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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24413806">Get lost and then get found</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightDream/pseuds/BrightDream'>BrightDream</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Fix-It, Post-Canon, TW: Mentions of Miscarriage, WIP, show canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:49:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>23,369</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24413806</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightDream/pseuds/BrightDream</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Six years after being sent to the Wall by King Jon Targaryen, Jaime Lannister is made Lord Commander by the men of the Night's Watch. The Queen in the North is not pleased with this news, and decides she should pay a visit to her old enemy at the Wall. With her, she will have no choice but to bring her most esteemed warrior, Brienne of Tarth, Commander of her Queensguard. </p><p>My attempt of a fix it, with older (and perhaps not that wiser) Jaime and Brienne.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>182</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>354</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/20590028">Cubs and Gemstones</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddagent/pseuds/ddagent">ddagent</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I haven't written fic in ages, and this is probably not the best of times to start a multichaptered fic, but unfortunately, it's exactly during those times that I feel the most need to write. I'll say it upfront that I do not know if this will be finished; I don't have the entire thing planned yet and life has been crazier than ever, since I'm a health professional. I will try, though, mainly because this is a great outlet in a very difficult time, and even if I don't, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and whatever others I manage to write down.</p><p>This was inspired by chapter 22 of Cubs and Gemstones, by the great ddagent, and has been sitting in my brain ever since last September when I first read it.  I hope I manage to honour her drabbles, which are glorious. If you haven't read them already, go do it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The letter arrived on a particularly warm morning, in one of those days when the Wall wept profusely and it was warm enough to spar without furs. Jaime was in the yard doing just that when the rider arrived, bearing the proud shield of the Queen in the North.</p><p>"My Lord," he got to one knee, courteously. “I bring a message from Her Grace Sansa Stark, the Queen in the North. She hopes it finds you well, and wishes to give her regards about your new command.”</p><p>Jaime took the parchment with a wry smile. He knew exactly how much Sansa Stark hated him, and how dissatisfied she must actually feel about his rise to Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. </p><p>“Get up, lad. My men will find you something to eat and a place to rest before your long journey home.”</p><p>Garnon took the messenger inside, as Jaime dismissed the new recruits from their spar session. He crossed the yard to the Lord Commander’s tower, where he could open Sansa’s missive. It was hard enough to decipher the letters without any interruptions, and these days his eyes were not the same as they used to be. </p><p>The letter was not long. It began with a few feigned pleasantries and a quick congratulation for his election, then went on to reaffirm the Queen’s support to the Night’s Watch. The last line, though, made him stop in his tracks, surprised.</p><p>“Are we in trouble, Ser?” Satin had followed him, and something must have shown in Jaime’s face, because his second in command looked worried.</p><p>“Queen Sansa wishes to <em> honour </em> us with a visit. In fact she and her party should arrive in a month.”Jaime huffed. “Gods,why did I accept this position?"</p><p> “Because the men trust you, Ser,” Satin answered promptly. “You’re the best fighter we've got, and the best leader."</p><p>Jaime sighed.</p><p>It was true, but it didn’t bring him any pride, just the uncomfortable weight of  responsibility. The Night's Watch might not be of grand importance these days, but it was still everything he had. </p><p>What could Sansa possibly want with this visit? Was it just a way to show off her power,  intended to remind him that without the men and the food she sent them the Night’s Watch would not survive?And just how far could she go with the power play? Could she wield enough power to demand another Lord Commander that was not Jaime Lannister, the last of her enemies? </p><p>He sat down heavily.</p><p>“I’m <em> old, </em> Satin,” Jaime groaned. “Too old to deal with all of this again. Politics, and power, and Queens.”</p><p>“And why wouldn’t this Queen like you, Ser? Despite the Lannister...inconvenience,” Jaime’s mouth curved upwards, “you fought to defend her and her castle during the Long Night. That has to count for something.”</p><p>“Believe me, it doesn’t. Queen Sansa hates me. If it were for her, my head would be in a spike in King’s Landing, decorating her cousin’s hall. Besides, it wasn’t for her that I fought.”</p><p>The words brought up a different thought, one that had been brewing in the back of his mind, since the first moment he had read Sansa’s letter. If Sansa was coming, then she would bring guards with her. And if she brought guards, there was not one scenario in which she wouldn’t bring the Lord Commander of her Queensguard.</p><p>
  <em> Brienne.</em>
</p><p>Her smile, her eyes, her strength. The way she laughed when he kissed her belly, so ticklish, and the little sounds she made when he woke her with his head between her legs.</p><p>“Ser?” Jaime could only imagine his own expression, considering the look on Satin’s face. </p><p>“We’ll talk about this again later," he dismissed him. </p><p>Satin left him alone in his rooms; alone to wonder. How would age have treated her? Had she become even stronger with time, even more skilled with a sword? Would she still look as beautiful to Jaime as she had, in another life, when they had all the time in the world to lay together between sheets,  drunk with each other?</p><p>Jaime <em> was </em> old, older than most men would ever get, beard and hair gray rather then gold. He would be forty seven if he reached his next name day, the sixth time he would celebrate ever since the Targaryen King had sent him to the Wall. </p><p>His life before sometimes seemed like a different life altogether, and his memories grew hazy, but he didn’t think he could ever forget anything about those weeks they had spent together in Winterfell. </p><p>
  <em> Brienne. </em>
</p><p>It was forever printed in his mind, a waking dream he had experienced, the world around them far far away, until Sansa had delivered the news of King’s Landing impending doom and the reality had crashed upon him.</p><p>He had a family in King’s Landing, his remaining child in Cersei’s belly. Besides, he had helped Cersei to get where she was, wasn’t innocent to any of her wrongdoings. How could he deserve happiness if Cersei was to die? </p><p>Jaime did not deserve Brienne either, would never deserve her. She was magnificent, a goddess in the form of a woman, the truest knight that would ever walk this earth. He would break her if he stayed, would stain her reputation even further than he already had, men snickering about their affair behind her back.</p><p>He had left, and that had initiated the path that had brought him here, to this moment, to this other life he had lived afterwards: a brother of the Night’s Watch, and now that the old Commander had succumbed to a fever, its 100th Lord Commander.</p><p>Jaime huffed again.</p><p>There was no going back from accepting the command. This was his life, and when Sansa arrived in a moon’s turn he would be ready to deal with whichever scheme she had in mind. </p><p><em> And I will see Brienne again, </em>his treacherous brain supplied. </p><p>His chest tightened in anticipation.</p><p>This would be a long, long month.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>More than six years had passed since the Long Night but summer still raged on, unrelenting.  Yet, as they traveled North, every day got colder, and they had no choice but to unpack the heavy furs from their saddles.</p><p>“It’s always winter at the Wall, my ladies,” she heard Darrion tell the girls. He was the Queensguard that Brienne most often charged with guarding them, as he was very good with children. “In Castle Black there’s always snow. Snow enough to build huge snowmen and, most importantly, to have a proper snowball fight.”</p><p>Thalia squealed in delight. She had been one year old when the War had ended, and did not remember winter. Catelyn was younger still, a child of summer, of only three.</p><p>“You should not encourage them, Ser,” Queen Sansa reprimanded, but she was smiling. Catelyn had been riding with her on the horse for the last hour, but the princess was starting to look sleepy. Soon enough, both of them would retreat to the wheelhouse and they would all need to slow down their pace again.</p><p>Last time Brienne had traveled through these lands, they had been three and in a rush, trying to evade Roose Bolton’s men and get to the safety of Jon Snow’s halls. Everything was different now, as the land was peaceful and the weather pleasant, and they traveled in a group of fifty four people.</p><p>Most of the fifty four were sworn swords to the Queen in the North, including Brienne and three more members of the Queensguard.  With them, traveled  Cley Cerwyn, Sansa’s bannerman and trusted friend, with eight of his own men, and  the heir of White Harbor, Stefon Wyman, a boy of thirteen that was being fostered at Winterfell.There were also three handmaids, two ladies and their respective daughters: the Queen, who refused to travel without princess Catelyn, and Lady Hornwood, who had brought her own heir, Thalia.</p><p>Usually, Brienne would be bothered at how slowly they were travelling, but this time she was glad. She was dreading the moment they would get to Castle Black and was happy to postpone it the most she could.</p><p>“I’m worried about you,” Sansa told her that evening, after Catelyn had fallen asleep. “I wish you had agreed to send Pod in your place and had stayed guarding Winterfell.”</p><p>“I’m fine, my lady,” Brienne promised. She <em> was </em>fine. Truly. “I’m just-”</p><p>“Nervous about seeing him.”</p><p>They knew each other too well by now, and there would be no point denying it. She hesitated, and Sansa reached for her hand.</p><p>"Brienne, please be careful with Lannister. I wouldn’t put it past him to try to use you again, to get to me somehow. He climbed into power once more, and I'm afraid he might want more of it."</p><p>“That’s unlike him," Brienne said,  but then stopped herself. What did she know anyway? She had thought she knew him, better than anyone, but he had still left her. Everything she thought she knew could be false, something her infatuated mind had created, and she had no reason to defend him. “In any case, you don't have any reason to worry. I’m nothing to him. I doubt he'll talk to me, let alone try anything.”</p><p>Sansa didn’t look convinced.</p><p>“Still, swear you’ll be careful.”</p><p>“I swear, my lady.”</p><p>But Sansa still watched her with growing worry in her eyes during the next few days, as they got closer and closer, and the Wall finally became visible in the horizon.</p><p>They arrived at Mole's Town on the twenty fifth day of their journey. The small folk lined up to see the Queen, and Sansa played the role from the wheelhouse, waving at them. Catelyn was on her lap, giggling at the strangers who cheered wildly. It had been generations since a true queen had ventured to these parts.</p><p>Four brothers of the Night’s Watch awaited for their arrival at the road that left the village. Their leader could not be older than twenty five, a lean man with pale skin and soft black hair, attractive and well groomed enough to pass as a lord of any southron court.</p><p>"Your grace, I'm Satin Flowers, First Steward of the Night's Watch." He bowed. " It's an honour to serve you again. Although I was only a boy, I was already a brother when  King Jon commanded in Castle Black, and fought at Winterfell during the Long Night."</p><p>As soon as they had left the common folk, Sansa had traded the wheelhouse for a horse, and now looked regal riding her most beautiful mare. She looked at Satin with a small frown, betraying her distaste.</p><p>"The honour is mine, my Lord. Although I was expecting your Lord Commander in person."</p><p>Satin smiled, unbothered by the rebuke. </p><p>"He is making sure everything is perfect for your arrival at Castle Black, my Queen. Rest assured that soon you'll be with him; the castle is just a short ride away."</p><p>As they rode that last mile, Brienne tried to calm down, although without much success. Her palms were sweaty and her hearing sounded far away, as if muffled by the hammering of her heart.</p><p>The last time she had seen Jaime had been at his trial. He hadn't noticed her in the back of the throne room that day, head hanging low to receive Jon's verdict, but she had studied him nonetheless, unkept and thinner than she'd ever seen him.</p><p>"He's not eating," she remembered Tyrion telling her the day she'd arrived to King's Landing, his voice somber. "I think he wants to die. To follow her."</p><p>"He doesn't get to <em> choose. </em>" The anger in her voice had surprised her both. " The Gods and the King will decide about his life."</p><p>Brienne was still lost in thought, remembering those dark days, when Castle Black loomed before them.</p><p>The courtyard had been cleared for their arrival, and through the open gate, she could see some men inside, busy with their day to day tasks.  There were two boys sparring next to the entrance to the kitchen, and the sound of ravens could be heard all the way from the rookery. And right there, atop of a balcony that faced the yard, was Lord Commander Jaime Lannister.</p><p>He didn't see them at first. They were too far away to hear his words, but even from the distance Brienne could see that he was uneasy. It was written in the way he stood there,  talking to another officer, or maybe it was in his face; it didn't matter how she knew it,  just that she did.</p><p>He looked so different from the last time she'd seen him, heavier, although still a slim man, and so much older, his beard and hair now gray.Then he suddenly turned and their eyes met and,<em> Gods have mercy, </em> he was still the same Jaime, and Brienne knew that look in his eyes.</p><p>She looked away quickly, and busied herself with securing the perimeter. She was the Lord Commander of the Queensguard, and was here to behave as such.</p><p>The group dismounted as Jaime and the other officer joined them at the yard. </p><p>“I welcome you all to Castle Black, my lords and ladies. Your grace, as unexpected as this visit is, it’s a pleasure meeting you again.” Jaime didn’t bow or kneel, but faced Sansa as an equal. He was smiling, but there was an ironic quality to it.</p><p>“It was unexpected to hear of your election, my lord.” Sansa replied sharply.  “I thought I should come and see for myself how you’ve all been doing. It’s only fair, as I’ve probably sent more men and supplies to the Night’s Watch than any other ruler.”</p><p>“Indeed. Something we are very grateful for.” Jaime pointed to the officer at his side. “This is Corren Hawick, First Builder of the Night’s Watch. You’ve met Satin, the First Steward. The First Ranger is at Shadow Tower, but he would thank you as the others undoubtedly will. As <em> I </em>will.” For the first time he sounded sincere. “We appreciate all the help you’ve sent us, especially in those first years after the war.”</p><p>Sansa acknowledged that with a small gesture of her head.</p><p>“We are stronger if we work together,” she conceded. “And that’s another reason why we’re here. Allow me to introduce my bannermen, who also happen to be my trusted friends.”</p><p> As Sansa made introductions, the mood seemed to lighten. Cley Cerwyn was a friendly man, with a booming voice, and quickly bonded with Jaime’s officers. Stefon could be shy, but as Sansa praised his promising skills with a sword one of the brothers invited him to train with them, and the boy seemed pleased. Thalia had appeared from the wheelhouse with Darrion, and now pulled on her mother’s hand, trying to drag her closer to the Wall, while a handmaid brought the crying princess to Sansa’s arms.</p><p>“There are rooms ready for you to rest.”Jaime offered. “And in a few hours,  there will be a meal for all of us.” </p><p> Sansa accepted, and following the lead of their Queen, the soldiers started to relax from their positions, unwinding after a long journey. The King’s Tower had been cleaned for the Queen and the other lords and ladies, and room had been opened for the rest in the lower levels. As talk became diffuse and the fifty four began to disperse, Brienne turned to her horse, unpacking her belongings.</p><p>“Ser.”</p><p>She froze.</p><p>Jaime was a few feet behind her, but he wasn’t even looking at her. He stared at the floor at her feet instead. “You look-” he began quietly. “Well. I mean. It’s good to see that you’re well.” </p><p>Brienne swallowed. Up close, she could see he still looked every bit as gorgeous as he had before, if not more. Age suited him, and there was a new found dignity in his black uniform.</p><p>He raised his eyes to her, finally, and Brienne saw the emotion in them. It was guilt. </p><p>“I<em> am </em> well,” she said, angrily.</p><p>“Yes. I can see that.” </p><p>He opened his mouth to say something more, then seemed to change his mind. When he finally spoke, it was in a practical tone, one Lord Commander to another. “If you and your men need anything, don’t hesitate to ask me. Please.”</p><p>She didn’t know what to say to that, so she nodded. Jaime didn’t say anything else, just turned abruptly and strided away.</p><p>Brienne felt her eyes sting.</p><p>She wished she had listened to Sansa and had stayed at Winterfell. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>For everyone who commented, bookmarked or left kudos in the first chapter: thank you so much, you inspire me to keep going! :)</p><p>Also, headcanon: the look on Jaime's face when he first saw Brienne was the look on his face after he knighted her &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That evening there was a feast, or at least what passed as a feast at Castle Black. Life at the Wall was not a life of many luxuries, and for men used to eating brown stew and stale bread, a meal with lamb baked in garlic, turnips soaking in butter and herbs, pumpkin soup and more ale than they could handle was quite something.</p><p>The food certainly wasn’t refined enough for a Queen, but Jaime didn’t care. It had been Sansa’s choice to come all the way from Winterfell to meddle in the Night’s Watch affairs,so she could bloody well accept what she was given.</p><p>“Your cook is very talented, Lord commander” Berena Hornwood complimented. She was at least kind, and much better to talk to than Cley Cerwyn, but she was still a pawn in Sansa’s power play, so Jaime had his reservations. He wasn’t sure if the Queen in the North had had an ulterior reason for bringing so many of her bannermen and of her soldiers to this visit, or if it was just to show strength. If that was the intent, it had undoubtedly worked.</p><p>“Have you seen their swords?” he heard Rickard, his personal steward, say to one of the other boys this afternoon. “And their armor!”</p><p>The lad was only fourteen, and easily impressionable, but in that case he wasn’t wrong to be so. Sansa’s men were well armed and well armored, and Jaime would bet his life on it, well trained. He knew the Queen enough to know she would demand that, and even if she didn’t, Brienne would never settle for an undisciplined army.</p><p>Brienne was sitting further down the table, next to Lord Cerwyn. Unbidden,his eyes went to her, not for the first time that evening. She had her head lowered and her expression guarded, and he couldn’t read whatever was under the surface.</p><p><em>Look at me, </em>Jaime wanted to ask her. He wanted to see the deep blue of her eyes again, to <em>see her </em>again, but she kept her eyes resolutely down, fixed at her plate.</p><p><em> Stubborn woman </em>. </p><p>Truth was, Jaime had spent the entire month picturing her here, imagining a hundred different scenarios, but now that she was here he had no idea how to behave. Six years had passed, and in many ways Jaime was no longer the same person he had been, but somehow it felt like no time had passed at all, and he was still the same damn fool he had been in his first days at Winterfell. He had thought he would never feel that way again,unsure of himself and hopelessly infatuated, but it had all come back, with that same breathtaking intensity, the moment their eyes had met.</p><p>What could he do, really?</p><p>Age had treated her well, and she looked like the Warrior itself in her gray Queensguard armor, white cloak billowing behind her and Oathkeeper at her waist.</p><p>Jaime had wanted to tell her that in the yard, but it had been an awful mistake to approach her so soon. He had been too emotional over things, hadn’t expressed himself properly and she clearly hadn’t received it well. She was<em> angry </em> with him, probably hated him, and why shouldn’t she? He had closed that door long ago, the night he had left her to go after Cersei.</p><p>Jaime gulped down his ale.</p><p>He was drinking far too much, but couldn’t help himself. Rickard stepped forward to serve him more, and he didn’t decline. Sitting on his right, he could see Sansa studying him, a little smile in the corner of her mouth.</p><p>“Is there a problem, your grace?”</p><p>The table was a loud mess, and no one was paying attention to them. Satin was a talker, and had the ability to bring the spotlight to himself when in conversation. Jaime had instructed him to do just that tonight, and he was delivering it, engaging Lady Hornwood and Lord Cerwyn in whatever boisterous story he was spinning.</p><p>“Nothing of importance, my lord,” Sansa answered. “Simply… He reminds me of Tommen. Your steward.”</p><p>Jaime was left speechless.</p><p>He had expected Sansa to prod at him quietly, secretly, to trick him into whatever scheme she had devised to make his life one of the seven hells. Instead, she was being nothing but direct, from the very first thing she had said to him, pretty much questioning his election and bragging about how much the Watch owed her. And now she was bold enough to provoke him so, saying out loud something that Jaime would never say, although he had thought it,oh yes,because indeed there was a resemblance, and that resemblance had been one of the reasons why Jaime had chosen the boy as his steward.</p><p>Jaime raised his glass to her. The girl was daring, he had to admit.</p><p>“I’m afraid sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me, your grace.”</p><p>She smiled dangerously. </p><p>“Some say that’s a bad quality for a leader.”</p><p>The audacity of that made him chuckle.This was the sort of politics he liked, unveiled threats, eye to eye, subterfuges left aside. He glanced at the table to make sure everyone was still distracted, then turned to her.</p><p>“Do you intend to bring me down from leadership, your grace?”</p><p>“That depends. Do you think I could do it?”</p><p>He studied her for a while, considered her options.</p><p>“No,” he answered truthfully. “The men respect me too much. They were the ones that put me in this position, and they would fight to keep me in it. It’s true that you have well seasoned men, and heavily armed, while I have mostly green boys. Still you have around forty five of them, while  I have one hundred and fifty here at Castle Black, and one hundred and thirty more between Eastwatch by the Sea and the Shadow Tower.” Jaime smiled. “But sure you know all of that, my lady.You didn’t come here to bring me down by force.”</p><p>Sansa raised an amused eyebrow. </p><p>“And how are you so sure of that?”</p><p>“You brought your daughter with you.” He sipped at his ale. “Don’t think for a second that I wouldn’t bring her into this, if my life or my men’s life was at risk.”</p><p>Sansa’s expression changed. She was absolutely livid, and Jaime was suddenly reminded of her mother, and her cold rage in a cell in the Riverlands.</p><p>“Is this a threat?”</p><p>“Oh, I’m sorry. Isn’t that what we’ve been doing for the last few minutes?”</p><p>Sansa looked like she would strike him any minute. Jaime almost wished she would, if only for the mess that would surely follow.</p><p>“My lady?”</p><p>And suddenly they weren’t alone anymore. Brienne had noticed their conversation, and had come to check on her queen. She stood tall, her hand tight in Oathkeeper’s hilt, and Jaime knew without a doubt that if Sansa ordered her she would cut him right there on the spot, and they wouldn’t stand a chance, numbers be damned.</p><p>“It’s fine, Brienne.” Sansa said. “I lost my appetite, it’s all.”</p><p>Sansa got up from the bench and left the hall without looking back. Jaime saw a few people had noticed it, and looked around in confusion, but most were too drunk to care, and the feast went on. </p><p>Not that it mattered. Jaime only had eyes for Brienne.</p><p>“What did you say to her?” she demanded angrily. She was so angry, <em> again </em>, and Jaime wanted to take it all back. He wanted to get down to his knees and beg her to forgive him, to tell her he was sorry for offending Sansa, and sorry for leaving her, and sorry for still being so awful.</p><p>Tyrion had told him years ago that Brienne had been the one to convince Jon Snow to spare his life. He had carried that knowledge close to his heart during all these years, had used it as an anchor, especially  in those first few months, when he hated the Wall bitterly and wanted nothing more than to fall into his own sword and follow Cersei to the other side.</p><p>He had to live. He had to live because Brienne had wanted him alive; and had wanted him alive despite everything he had done to her, despite the hateful man he was.</p><p>She probably was regretting that choice now.</p><p>“Answer me!” she ordered, and Jaime could see she was shaking. </p><p>“I threatened the princess,” he admitted quietly, and saw her grip tighten ever further on Oathkeeper’s hilt. “I didn’t mean anything by it!,” he added quickly. “I would never… I’m not that man anymore. It was only… Your queen was threatening <em> me, </em>and I was simply-”</p><p>“If you lay a finger on Catelyn, I will kill you myself,” she promised fiercely.“ I swear it by the old Gods and the new."</p><p>“I won’t. Brienne-”</p><p>But she didn’t stay to hear what he had to say. She turned and followed her Queen outside, furious.</p><p>Jaime gulped down another cup of ale. </p><p>He had messed up everything. </p><p>
  <em> Again.  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Urgh, this was the hardest chapter to write, and I still don't know if I'm happy with it.<br/>I'm afraid it got to long, but it had to be so for the next ones to work.<br/>Anyhow, posting it to move forward; hopefully is not to bad.<br/>Please leave a comment afterwards, it means the world!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She barely slept that night, unable to process a thousand different thoughts racing inside her head. For hours she tossed and turned, but try as she might, she could find no rest.</p><p>Brienne had known seeing Jaime would be difficult, but she had never expected<em> this.</em> In less than half a day he had managed to argue with the Queen, threaten the princess and make Brienne lose her temper twice. She had swore she’d <em>kill him, </em>for Gods’ sakes, and of course she would do anything to protect Catelyn, but she had never expected to make such a vow.</p><p>And the way he had<em> looked </em> at her.... She couldn’t understand it, but it had sparked something in her all the same. Jaime had made his choice, long ago. He had left because he’d chosen Cersei, because he’d loved her, so why did he keep looking at Brienne like that, as if he could scarcely stop himself?</p><p>When she finally slept, it was to memories of his eyes, and the way she had caught him looking at her in bed once, with a tenderness she thought she had forgotten.</p><p>It was still dark when Brienne woke up, startled. She had dreamt about him, and about Catelyn, and about a bed drenched in blood. She was damp with sweat, but when she threw away the furs she found the sheets were pristine clean.</p><p>She got up and washed her face in a basin a servant had left her earlier. The cold was biting, but helped her to get a grip of herself. She dressed shakily, donned her armor and her white cloak and strapped Oathkeeper on her waist.</p><p>Bradyn was the youngest in the Queensguard, and he was in charge of guarding the Queen’s door tonight. He looked faintly worried when she said she’d come to relieve him early, but knew better than to question his commander.</p><p>Usually, Brienne liked guarding duty, feeling comforted by the silence and the reassuring weight of her armor. Even that wasn’t enough tonight, for she felt too anxious. If half a day in Castle Black had been this messy, what could tomorrow bring?</p><p>The sun rose early that morning,on a cold but bright day, almost no clouds in the sky. In the beginning the birds sang alone, but as time passed she slowly started to hear the noises that meant that the lords and ladies hosted at the King’s Tower were awakening.</p><p>Sansa called for the guard maybe two hours after the sun had risen, and was surprised to see her.</p><p>“Bradyn was on guarding duty tonight, was he not?”</p><p>“Yes, my lady. I took my shift early.” Catelyn had slept next to the Queen, and now ran to her, excited. Brienne caught the princess and spun her in the air. </p><p>“Why? Did something happen?”</p><p>“I had trouble sleeping,” she admitted, after putting Catelyn down again. “I needed something to busy myself with.”</p><p>Sansa awaited until the princess had distracted herself with one of her dolls before beckoning Brienne close.</p><p>“Do you think we are in danger?” she asked in a low voice.</p><p>Brienne hesitated. Her instinct was to say that Jaime would never do anything against them, but the truth was she simply didn’t know. She didn’t know him anymore, if she ever had.</p><p>“If he touches the princess, I’ll kill him. I told him so yesterday.”</p><p>Sansa’s expression softened.</p><p>“Lannister would be a fool to try anything against us.The entire north would rally against him and his men if anything was to happen, and he is smart enough to understand that. Still,” she caught Brienne’s hand between hers. “Thank you. I know the situation is difficult for you, but I’m so glad you convinced me you had to come. There’s no one I trust more in this life.”</p><p>That made Brienne smile, for the first time in days. She had dedicated her life to guarding the Queen, and besides Podrick, Sansa was her oldest friend.</p><p>“I’m always glad to serve you, my lady.”</p><p>Their moment was interrupted by Catelyn.</p><p>“Mommy, can we and Bri-en play outside? Plis?” She couldn’t yet pronounce Brienne’s name properly, but she was getting there.</p><p>“Yes, dearest. Let’s just get Nysah to help us get ready and then we’ll go.”</p><p>They spent a comfortable morning in one of Castle Black’s inner yards, playing with the kids. Lady Hornwood and Thalia had joined them early, and now the girls ran around with their cheeks reddened by the cold. Thalia had been upset because although it certainly was cold enough, no snow had fallen for days, and there was nothing but mud on the floor.</p><p>“You have to be patient, my darling,” her mother kept telling her, but patience had never been one of the girl’s strong points.</p><p>When the time for lunch approached, Satin came to invite them to the hall. He and Lady Hornwood had talked for hours during last night's feast, and acted as old friends already. Satin was an easy man to like, and Brienne could see it had been wise of Jaime to make him First Steward, despite his young age.</p><p>They didn’t see Jaime in the morning, and he didn’t show up during lunch either. It was probably better this way, but Brienne couldn’t help checking the door every now and then, looking for him.</p><p>Lady Hornwood and Satin both favored arch and arrows, and after lunch he invited them to the place where the Watch's archers practised. Catelyn and Thalia had gone with their handmaids to get their afternoon sleep, so Sansa decided to go with them, although only for the company, as the Queen had no ability with the arch.</p><p>It was there that Jaime founded them, sitting on the roots of a big three, watching lady Hornwood draw. He looked tired, as if he hadn’t gotten much sleep that night himself. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was disheveled.</p><p>“Hello, ser!” Satin called, surprised. “Looking for me?”</p><p>Jaime shook his head.</p><p>“I just came to talk to her grace.”</p><p>Sansa’s displeasure was clear in her face. </p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>Brienne offered a hand for her to get up, as Jaime stepped forward.</p><p>“In private if I may.”</p><p>Sansa complied. Satin and most of the men were looking at them with curiosity, and Brienne knew she wouldn’t want to make a scene.</p><p>As they walked to get some distance from the practising area, Brienne followed, just a few feet behind. As the queensguard on duty, she wouldn’t leave Sansa alone for a second, and Jaime knew that. In fact, it appeared he had counted on it.</p><p>“Your grace, I wanted to apologize.To both of you.”</p><p>Sansa raised an eyebrow, and Brienne pretended she hadn’t heard. She would not know how to answer anyhow, as she had never heard Jaime apologize before.</p><p>“I understand we had our differences, but I truly wish you and your daughter no harm. As I said before, I’m thankful for all you’ve done to the Watch. That must be our common goal now; maintaining the Watch, and not whatever happened in the past.”</p><p>“Did you change your mind so quickly, ser? Just yesterday you were threatening my child.”</p><p>“As if you were not threatening me and my men yourself!” he snapped. He forced himself to lower his voice again. “Listen.Two can play this game, but I would rather if we didn’t play it altogether. It would be easier.”</p><p>“It would be easier if I could trust you,” Sansa shot back. “Unfortunately, life has taught me to trust few, and certainly not a man that has caused so much pain to the ones I hold dear. A man who has <em> betrayed </em> us. How can I be sure you won’t do it again?”</p><p>“You can’t.” Jaime smiled. It was an ugly, sad thing, much different from his usual smile, and it made Brienne cringe.“I’ll swear to you nonetheless. Leave me and my men alone, and I’ll have no contend against you. On my honour.”</p><p>Sansa seemed amused by that notion.</p><p>“Your honour means nothing to me."</p><p>"Sure.” He couldn't quite hold the bitternes from his voice.“It might mean something to Brienne, though.”</p><p>He turned to her, but she just stood there, gaping, too surprised to answer.</p><p>His honour had meant a lot for her once, when most people would sneer at him because of it. <em> Kingslayer , </em>they’d called him, and <em> Man without honor </em>, but she had stood up for him in front of the Dragon Queen, and had taken him to her bed. Had it been dishonorable of him to leave her? In truth, he had never promised her anything.</p><p>“I doubt that,” Sansa answered for her. She didn’t know if it rankled or if she was thankful for it, as she was still at a loss for words. “Come on Brienne, let’s go.”</p><p>Sansa strode off, and she had no choice but to follow her Queen. She took one last look at Jaime before leaving, and he was looking at her, looking at her in <em> that </em> way, as if he was searching for something, as if he <em> needed </em>it.</p><p>She could barely think of anything else the entire afternoon. The hours passed slowly as she watched Lady Hornwood and Satin practise, her mind elsewhere. She felt out of sorts; confused about the conversation she had just witnessed. Jaime had sounded reasonable. He had reached out and tried to offer a truce, but Sansa did not trust him to take it.</p><p><em> You need trust to have a truce, </em> she remembered saying to him so many years ago, and then, <em> I trust you. </em></p><p>Did Brienne still trust him, after everything? Something in her told her she should, told her she<em> knew </em> him, although another part, a part that still pained for being abandoned, said it could all be falsehood from his part. </p><p>The thoughts jumbled in her head all the way through dinner, until Darrion appeared to replace her. He was the one on guarding duty tonight.</p><p>“You look exhausted, ser,” he said gently. He was much older than her, and treated her with the affection he would have for a daughter. “Go get some rest.”</p><p>But Brienne didn’t want to retire to her quarters just yet. She didn’t want to go back to tossing and turning, too many thoughts keeping her from a peaceful sleep, despite her obvious tiredness.</p><p>It was Satin who offered her a reprieve.</p><p>“I’ve been meaning to get to know you properly, ser,” he said to her at the outer yard, right after she’d left Sansa and Darrion.“Would you like to see the sunset from the top of the Wall with me? I was just heading there. I find it to be very calming after a stressful day, and I promise you’ve never seen anything more beautiful.” He spoke as if he understood the hardship she was going through, although he couldn’t possibly know. Or maybe Jaime had told him something about their past, and he could read the rest written on her face.</p><p>“I’d like that.”</p><p>They took the elevator, and waited for the slow climb to start as the men pulled them up.</p><p>“Allow me to tell you, Lord Commander, I’ve always admired you greatly.”</p><p>“Have you?”</p><p>“Of course! You're the stuff from songs. The lady knight who held the left flank during the Long Night, with her flaming sword.”</p><p>Brienne couldn’t hold back a smile.There was a song about that, yes. Tyrion had paid for that verse himself.</p><p>“I’m afraid the songs lie.”</p><p>Satin chuckled.“ Oh, I know. I was at Winterfell myself, that day. It’s still one of my favorites, though.”</p><p>They got to the top, and the three men on guard opened up the bars for them. </p><p>“‘Brought you some wine for the cold night, boys. But don’t tell on me, or there won’t be more of it. This is Ser Brienne of Tarth, Lord Commander of the Queensguard."</p><p>It was cold up here, colder than Brienne had felt for a long time. They had a small fire going on at the guard station, but Brienne paid it no mind and stepped forward to see through an opening in the ice. The sun was low and red in the east, and the mountains shone, reflecting its light in their huge peaks. She had never seen anything quite like it.</p><p>“It<em> is</em> beautiful.”</p><p>“Yes.” Satin passed her the canteen with wine, and she took a good sip of it. “Come on Rud, put your lovely voice to good use. Sing that song about the Long Night to honour the Lord Commander.”</p><p>Rud was a blonde skinny boy, probably not older than eighteen. But when he sang, his voice was deep and strong, and it made her shiver.</p><p>It was a long song, of battle and death and victory beyond imaginable. Most of it had never happened, or at least not in that way, but it was nonetheless a fascinating piece, which had become very famous in the North. Brienne had to admit it certainly agreed with that bloody sunset, golden and orange rays spreading through the horizon as the sun lowered.</p><p>Rud had not gotten to the middle of it when the night fell. They moved closer to the fire, and he kept on going, even when they heard the sign that meant someone was waiting in the elevator. The other two guards went to pull on the ropes, but Brienne didn’t pay attention, lost to the boy’s resounding voice.</p><p>He finally got to the verse that Tyrion had paid for, and it was the verse that talked about her, and about Jaime, and about how they had held their ground against the wights when every hope seemed lost. In truth they had fallen back to the walls, but in the song they had fought openly and bravely. The song went on about Oathkeeper and Widow’s Wail, and how when they were wielded together, the swords had flamed up blue, scaring the wights away.</p><p>“It’s funny how I don’t remember that part.” </p><p>Brienne looked up, as Rud fell quiet.</p><p>Jaime was in the elevator, and he was smiling softly at her. There was something so intimate in that smile that she had to look away.</p><p>“Lord commander, so good of you to join us.” Satin called, but unlike in the afternoon he didn’t sound surprised at all. </p><p>“I told you I’d meet you here, didn’t I? ” He took a step to climb out of the elevator, but then paused, looking at Brienne. “I don’t want to intrude.I can talk to Satin some other time, if you’d prefer.”</p><p>It was almost as if he was asking for her permission, but that was ridiculous. These were <em> his </em> men, this was <em> his </em>Wall. He commanded here, but he still didn’t move until she spoke.</p><p>“It’s fine. You can stay.”</p><p>There was a weight in that last word. She knew he was thinking it as their eyes met again. </p><p>“Then I’ll stay.”</p><p>This time, she didn’t look away.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The night had just fallen as he got into the elevator, weary and impatient.</p><p>Satin had called him to the Wall after dinner, but all that Jaime wanted was to sleep. The day had not been easy, and the annoying headache he had ever since waking up had only gotten worse after that<em> pleasant </em>conversation with Sansa Stark.</p><p>Jaime had considered not showing, but he wanted to know whatever Satin had discovered after a day spent with Lady Hornwood and the Queen. As Sansa had so spectacularly refused his offer of peace, Jaime needed all the information on her he could get.</p><p>The wind rattled on the elevator bars as it climbed, the torches below him becoming smaller and smaller. Jaime was watching them, distracted, when he first heard the song.</p><p><em> Death’s defeat, </em> it was called, and it had been written on Winterfell, during the celebrations that succeeded the Long Night. It was a lengthy song, which Jaime honestly had had no patience for, but Tyrion had opened his purse and all of a sudden he and Brienne were in it. Jaime had thought he meant it as mockery, but then he’d seen Brienne’s face and understood.</p><p><em> You’ve become a knight in a song, </em>he had whispered in her ear, holding her hand under the table.She’d turned to him to scoff at his words, always so defensive, but failed. Her eyes were watery and she couldn’t quite suppress her delight. It made him want to kiss her senseless, which he had, later, in the privacy of their room.</p><p>He still wanted to kiss her senseless, for the elevator got to the top, and there she was next to Satin. Rud was singing and it seemed like a cruel joke that he had arrived in that moment, because he was singing about them. Brienne didn’t see him at first, but there was a small smile on her face.</p><p>Jaime paused, breathless. </p><p>The last time he had seen her smile had been at Winterfell.</p><p>“It’s funny how I don’t remember that part,” he interrupted, because the song was now talking about flaming swords, and Jaime had always thought that addition to be foolish. He was smiling at Brienne, though, smiling that she was here; that he at least had the privilege to look upon her, content, and strong, and still wearing her magnificent Queensguard armor. </p><p>Brienne finally saw him as Rud grew quiet, but it made her smile disappear.</p><p>She looked away. </p><p>“Lord commander, so good of you to join us.” Satin called.</p><p>But Jaime’s mood had soured as quickly as it had brightened. </p><p>Brienne had seemed happy, but not about seeing him. Her walls had rebuilt in the moment she’d noticed him, and why wouldn’t they? All he had ever brought her was trouble.</p><p>“I told you I’d meet you here, didn’t I?” Jaime took the first step to climb out of the elevator, but hesitated. He would only ruin Brienne’s night by forcing his presence upon her, when he was clearly unwanted. “I don’t want to intrude. I can talk to Satin some other time, if you’d prefer.”</p><p>She glanced at him again, as if unsure he was talking to her.</p><p> He waited.</p><p>”It’s fine. You can stay.”</p><p>It hit him right on the chest, a knife between his ribs.</p><p>
  <em> Stay with me. </em>
</p><p>Their eyes met.</p><p>“Then I’ll stay.”</p><p>Jaime stepped on the ice, closing the bars behind him as Elan and Andarean released the ropes. Rud kept silent as he approached the guarding post, and sat next him on one of the benches.</p><p>“Go on, boy, you have a good voice.”</p><p>But he looked embarrassed.</p><p>“I thought you didn’t like this song, Lord Commander.”</p><p>Jaime didn’t answer.He had once cut this song short, years ago, but it had not been due to dislike. It was simply easier not to dwell on the past, and remembering Brienne had always been complicated.</p><p>“Just keep going.”</p><p>Satin passed him wine as Rud began again. He gulped it down, liquid courage to untie the knot in his stomach, and chose not to comment on the fact that Satin had brought alcohol for men on guard.</p><p>No one spoke again as the song moved forward. The sixth of them sat next to fire, trying to get warm, as Rud’s voice took them back to Winterfell and some of the horrors and wonders they had experienced that night. Well, the three of them at least, as none of the boys on guard had fought the dead.</p><p>Brienne was the first to clap when he finished.</p><p>“Thank you,” she said quietly. “You’re very talented.”</p><p>“You’re welcome, my lady. I mean, Ser.”</p><p>Jaime’s mouth curved upwards. He knew she preferred the ser, but the mistake had reminded him of Podrick.</p><p>“You boys should go do your rounds now,” Satin said, in a clear dismissal. “Here, Elan, take the wine. You can give me the canteen back tomorrow.”</p><p>None of them questioned that, and after lighting up the torches around the guarding post and for themselves, the three of them moved away. They were supposed to cover a few miles west and east of the Wall, looking for anything out of the usual. Jaime was aware it was an useless task in a time of peace, but at least kept the men on their toes.</p><p>“So, you wanted to speak to me?” He asked Satin as soon as the torches had grown distant. Jaime wasn’t sure if he would say anything in front of Brienne, but if he had brought her here probably there was some reason. Maybe his honor still meant something to her after all, and she wanted to help him with Sansa, although he couldn’t really imagine Brienne doing anything behind her Queen’s back.</p><p>“Yes, my lord, but nothing of importance. Only that Lady Horwood told me she and Lord Cerwyn wish to hunt north of the Wall. I was thinking we could take them on an excursion tomorrow.” </p><p>Satin’s face revealed nothing, but Jaime knew he wasn’t saying what he meant to say. He was a keen observer, and spoke enough for three men. Besides, Satin could have told him that anywhere, and there would be no need for scheduling such a meeting.</p><p>No matter. Brienne was here now, and they could talk later.</p><p>“Sure. I’ll let the men know.”</p><p>“I’ll do that myself, ser. Actually, I probably should go make the preparations, so we can depart early tomorrow.” He got to his feet. “I’ll go.”</p><p>“Right <em> now </em>?” Jaime did not understand his rush.</p><p>“Yes, I only needed your confirmation.” He nodded, and reached for a torch. “Have a good night, Lord commander. And you too, ser.”</p><p>He took the stairs and left.</p><p><em> The stairs, </em> in the middle of the <em> fucking </em> night, and Jaime was missing something here.</p><p>He was so baffled he didn’t call him back, until he met Brienne’s eyes. </p><p>Only then it dawned on him they were alone.</p><p>
  <em> Fuck.  </em>
</p><p>So that was why. </p><p>“Did you ask him to do that?” She asked in a low voice. She seemed to have reached the same conclusion he had. “To lure me here?”</p><p>“Of course not!” But Brienne got up anyway, flustered and ready to run away. <em> Again. </em> “I had no idea you would be here, Brienne.”</p><p>She did not believe him.</p><p>“Why would he do that if not by your orders? He’s your second in command, is he not?”</p><p>“My right-hand, as they say.” Jaime replied acidly. “But I did not command him on this, I promise you.”He huffed. “Satin does that sometimes. He <em> meddles </em>, and he’s far too smart for me to stop him.”</p><p>“But why?”</p><p>Jaime just stared at her. </p><p>“You know why.”</p><p>“Have you told him-?”</p><p>“I told him <em> nothing. </em> I‘ve never talked about… <em> That. </em> ” <em> Us </em>. He was going to say us. The world scratched at his tongue, wanting to get out. “But Satin knows it, anyhow. He was on Winterfell after the Long Night. There were… Rumors, if you recall.” </p><p>They had never been discreet, too dazzled with victory and each other, and  Jaime had been too tired of hiding. People could have turned a blind eye, as they had for many other affairs that had started after the fight, but of course they never would for Jaime Lannister, old enemy of the North.</p><p>The fight seemed to drain out of Brienne.She sat down again, heavily.</p><p>"I remember."</p><p>For a while none of them spoke.</p><p>The wind blew and the fire sparkled, as Jaime silently grappled with words. There was so much to be said, and now that he had the opportunity he didn’t know how to begin.</p><p>“Brienne,”he started shakily. “I’m not-”</p><p>“Don’t.” There was a finality in the word. “I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>She kept very still, eyes lowered. It seemed she didn’t want to talk, but didn’t want to leave either. He took a leap of faith and moved close to her, sitting next to her on the bench. </p><p>“Why?”</p><p>She didn’t complain at his proximity, but didn’t look at him either.</p><p>“Because,” she breathed. “Because…”</p><p>“Tell me.”</p><p>She hesitated.</p><p>“If we don’t talk about it, it is as if it never happened.”</p><p>Jaime felt his chest tighten. </p><p>“But it <em> did </em>happen.”</p><p>He only had to look at her to remember.</p><p>The touch of her skin, the taste of her lips. Her blue eyes in the early mornings and her warm embrace in the cold evenings. </p><p>She looked up at him at last, and Jaime saw there were unshed tears in her eyes.</p><p>“I’m <em> sorry,” </em> he blurted out, hating himself.“I was such an idiot.”</p><p>Brienne sighed.</p><p>“You never promised me anything,”she said, as if it was nothing. As if Jaime didn’t <em> owe </em> her, as if he hadn’t been an absolute <em> jerk </em>with her.</p><p>“Well, maybe I should have.”</p><p>She shook her head.</p><p>“You couldn’t.”</p><p>As in most things in life, Brienne was right. He couldn’t have promised her anything, <em> hadn’t, </em> because he had still been trapped by the idea of Cersei and the baby in her belly.</p><p>But.</p><p>“I miss you.”</p><p>Oh, how he did. For a month they had been <em> everything, </em>best friends and lovers and sparring partners. They took their meals together, and argued with each other, and shared a room and a life between them.</p><p>But Brienne didn’t believe him again.</p><p>“Perhaps you’re just lonely.”</p><p>“Perhaps,” he admitted. “Aren’t you?”</p><p>He had never found anyone he could talk to like he did to her. Anyone he could be <em> himself </em> the way he could with her.</p><p>She shrugged.</p><p>“Tyrion told me you were the one that convinced the Targaryen king to spare me. To send me here.”</p><p>Brienne startled.</p><p>“I didn’t know you knew that.”</p><p>“Well, I did.” Jaime wanted so badly for her to understand. He gripped her arm. “You saved me, and not only by convincing him. I would probably have ended my life during that first year, but I kept thinking that I couldn’t. I told myself I’d failed you in every other regard, and would not fail in that as well.”</p><p>Her eyes gleamed in the firelight.</p><p>“What did you say to him?” he asked, softer. “How did you change his mind when even Tyrion couldn’t?”</p><p>“I told him you wanted to die,” Brienne’s voice grew quiet. “I said your love for your sister was bigger than life itself, and to kill you would be to reward you.” She shook her head sadly.  “King Jon does not believe in rewarding men for treason.”</p><p>Jaime smiled despite himself.</p><p>She had known him too well.</p><p>“You were right,” he confessed. His hand was still in her arm, tight. “You have to understand. I spent my entire life thinking Cersei and I would die together. That we <em> had </em> to. But it was only a fantasy. It was not <em> real. </em>It took me years, but I finally see it.” He swallowed. “ I barely remember her anymore."</p><p>She seemed too surprised to speak. For a long time she just stared at him, closer than ever on that bench.</p><p>“I’m happy for you,” she said finally. </p><p>She was so warm. Jaime could feel it, right in her elbow, the only place in her arm the armor didn’t protect. </p><p>And the way her eyes sparkled …</p><p>“I remember you, though,”he whispered, before he lost his nerve.  “How it felt to love you.”</p><p>Brienne gasped.</p><p>“Don’t say that,”she reprimanded. “You shouldn’t-”</p><p>“I <em> mean it</em>.” She tried to pull her arm backwards, to get some space between them, but Jaime held her. “And I <em> know </em> you remember it too.” Her face was a storm of emotion, but now that he’d said it, he would not back down. “We shared something, you and I, and I can’t stop thinking about it. About how I was a <em> damn fool, </em>and how I would do anything-  ”</p><p>“Jaime…”she pleaded, and that was what broke him. His name, on her lips, after all those years. “I can’t-”</p><p>He kissed her.</p><p>It felt like falling, or maybe it was flying. In less than a second she was kissing him back, equally desperate, all complaints forgotten. Her hands were in his hair, and he couldn’t feel anything that wasn’t her: her lips, her smell, her warmth.</p><p>His hand lowered, trying to find a breast, but he’d forgotten she was in armor, and the cold metal stopped him.</p><p>“Let’s go to my room,”he begged. “Please. I want…”</p><p>There were so many things he wanted.</p><p>To fuck her, yes, but also to lie with her, watching her naked and glorious in the firelight. To sleep with his head against her shoulder, her fingers in his hair. To wake up next to her, sharing a smile and a kiss.</p><p>But Brienne shook his head.</p><p>“No.” She got to her feet, moving away from him.“You can’t just… Take me to bed, and pretend nothing happened. That’s not how this works.” </p><p>“I wouldn’t ..” he began, but then saw she was crying. “Brienne…”</p><p>It pained him so much to see her like this. Was hurting her the only thing he knew how to do?</p><p>“You made a choice,“ she reminded him. “Now we have to live with it.”</p><p>Jaime had no answer for that.</p><p>He felt his own eyes water as she caught one of the torches, and followed Satin down the stairs.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I just wanted to thank everyone who is reading this, and leaving wonderful comments chapter after chapter. You make my day!<br/>Also, I wanted to warn you that the next updates might take a little longer than usual, as real life will be particularly busy in the next few weeks.  Stick with me, and I'll do my best ;)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Brienne was up early the next morning, readying the men that would accompany the Queen north of the Wall. Sansa had decided she too would participate in the hunt, curious to see the lands beyond. As commander of her guard, Brienne would leave nothing to chance, as the Gods only knew what dangers awaited them in the wilds. She would bring three of her queensguard and three more sworn swords only to protect the Queen, and would be ready for the worst if needed.</p><p>“Good morning, ser,” Satin greeted. He and some other stewards were packing food into the horses, should the hunt go past lunch time as it was wont to do."Did you have a good night?”</p><p>Brienne tried to contain her irritation. He had tricked her, inviting her to the Wall only to force her on a moment alone with Jaime. He knew about their past, but that still didn’t explain why he’d bother on such a plot. And now his question seemed to imply... <em>Something.</em></p><p>“Not your business, is it?”</p><p>Satin’s smile was apologetic. </p><p>“I’m sorry, Lord Commander. I didn’t intend to be nosy.” He bent his head. "Excuse me.”</p><p>As the sun rose, lazily, the yard filled with people, ready to depart. Lord Cerwyn’s boisterous voice kept hurrying them, eager to leave, but the party waited for the Queen to break her fast and say her goodbyes to Catelyn. The princess would stay behind with Thalia, their handmaids and Darrion, as a hunt north of the Wall was no place for children.</p><p>Jaime arrived just minutes before Sansa, Widow’s Wail shining on his side. An iron hand covered his stump, and it was the first time Brienne saw such a prop, as he hadn’t worn it in the last two days.  His expression was somber, and he remained mostly silent. Just one time his eyes strayed to her, but she pretended she hadn’t noticed. It would do them no good to meet his gaze, not when she could still recall his heated eyes in the firelight, or his hungry mouth on hers.</p><p>Brienne knew she should not have kissed him back, but she hadn’t been able to resist. </p><p>It had been so <em> familiar, </em> the warmth of him, intense and daring as he attacked her mouth, his hair soft under her fingertips. And the things he had said to her… He had said he missed her, and that he’d stayed alive because of her. He had said he’d <em> forgotten Cersei </em>, and what would Brienne have given to hear him say that years ago. </p><p>Now, though… </p><p>She remembered a bed, red with blood, and swallowed hard. </p><p>Nothing he could say could bring back the past. </p><p>“Let’s go,” Jaime ordered as soon as the Queen was ready. They were a big group, made by Sansa and her guard, Cley Cerwyn and four of his riders, Lady Hornwood, Stefon Wyman, Satin, Jaime and five other men of the Night’s Watch that Brienne didn’t know. The conversation was lively as they crossed the tunnel and got to the other side, stepping for the first time on the lands beyond the wall. The wind was cold, but the horizon promised another bright day, with no rain waiting for them.</p><p>“I heard there’s a lot of game in these woods,” Lord Cerwyn said, excited at the prospect. “What kind of animals can we find?”</p><p>“One day’s ride from the Wall, you’ll find deer, mostly. Elk sometimes, if you’re lucky. And birds, of course.” Jaime sounded bored. Brienne knew he had never cared for hunting, and it was not something to be done with one hand. “Further north, things get more adventurous.”</p><p>“For instance?” </p><p>“Well, there are shadowcats and direwolves and other things only the wildlings know. I once saw a paw as big as a grown man in the snow, on the way to the frostfangs.”</p><p>“A snow bear, Lord commander,” one of his men suggested.“I heard they are twice the time of a horse.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t doubt it. Nature is at its wildest on this side of the world.”</p><p>“You’ve travelled to the frostfangs?” Sansa intruded. She had been quiet for a long time, listening to the conversation. “Why?”</p><p>“Before being made Lord Commander, I was First Ranger for four years, your grace.” Jaime said pointedly. “As such, I was often sent to scout.”</p><p>“To see what the wildlings were up to?”</p><p>He chuckled.</p><p>“Oh, even a child knows what they’re up to. Hunting and fighting and procreating. They mean to repopulate these lands while the summer lasts, and if it doesn't work you can be sure it won't be for lack of trying.” There was an amused smile at his face. “No, we were sent to scout for any signs of the dead.”</p><p>Sansa’s face hardened. Brienne knew she was remembering that night, and the horrid army of corpses. Brienne still had the occasional nightmare about them herself.</p><p>“Did you find any?””</p><p>“No.” Jaime shrugged. “It seems your sister ended them, at least for the time being. Summer goes on, and most wildlings think they won’t come back again in this lifetime.”</p><p>“Summer goes on, yet winter is coming.” Sansa remarked. “You should remember that, my lord.”</p><p>Brienne could see plain as day the annoyance in Jaime’s face, but he chose not to answer. He nodded instead, riding on, his left hand on the reins as the iron one rested on the horse. It was a well made piece, Brienne could see, although it was much uglier than the old one made of gold. </p><p>They found no deer during the morning, but there were lots of birds instead. Lady Hornwood and Satin hit some pigeons and a couple of  savage pheasants with their arches.</p><p>“They’re tasty.” Satin guaranteed the lady as he picked up the birds and tied them to his horse. “You’ll see.”</p><p>They stopped at a clearing to rest and have some dried meat as lunch hour approached. Brienne sat on a branch not far from Sansa, and pretended to pay attention to the conversation she and Lord Cerwyn were having, although her mind was far away.</p><p><em> I remember you, though, </em> he had said looking into her eyes. <em> How it felt to love you. </em></p><p>She had been mad at Jaime for saying it, but now she couldn’t help repeating it inside her head, again and again.</p><p>Truth was, Brienne remembered how it felt to love him as well, their bodies joined as he kissed her, his hand teasing her breasts. She remembered how it felt when he knelt between her legs, licking her, or how it felt to have his flesh slapping against her, as he took her from behind. She remembered all of it, and thought of it now, feeling a tug on her lower belly, and a deep thrumming want to…</p><p>She got on her feet suddenly, flustered. She needed some water, that was all. </p><p>Brienne turned to go to her horse, but wasn’t looking and hit someone coming in the opposite direction, hard.</p><p>“<em>Careful, </em>”he said sharply. His hand went to her waist to steady her and oh, she would have known that body anywhere. </p><p>For a second they just stayed there, as if frozen, staring at each other. Jaime was just the tiniest bit shorter than her, and from this close she could see all the details in his face: the slightly chapped lips from the cold, the golden hairs lost between the white on his beard, the new wrinkles next to his eyes…</p><p>Satin coffed behind them.</p><p>They separated quickly. </p><p>“Watch where you are going next time,” Jaime all but snapped, but he was breathing hard, as he had run miles.</p><p>“Well, I could say the same!” </p><p>The place where he’d touch her waist seemed to burn, and she wondered dizzily how she could get his hand on her again.</p><p>Brienne knew he wanted her. He had pretty much said it, yesterday, had kissed her like his life depended on it. He had invited her to her room, and even though she’d had good reasons to decline, now it seemed impossible to remember why she’d done it.</p><p>She went for the water, and realized belatedly that Sansa was watching her. The displeasure was clear on her lady’s face, and Brienne knew with a dreadful certainty that she’d noticed there was something off between them.</p><p>Brienne spent the rest of the hunt in silence, close to the queen but as far from Jaime as possible. She didn’t want to look at him and have Sansa notice it.</p><p>They finally found a deer maybe two hours after lunch. Cley Cerwyn killed the animal, as Brienne and Sansa stayed behind. Jaime didn’t approach as well, and as soon as the task was done, commanded the group to return to the Wall.</p><p>“We don’t want to be out here when night falls, my lord,” he explained to an irritated Lord Cerwyn. “The wildlings aren’t our enemies as they used to be, but they are still a bellicose folk, and the ladies draw too much attention.”</p><p>They rode for Castle Black without any troubles, arriving a few hours before dark. As the men dismounted, Brienne took her horse to the stables herself, hoping to postpone the conversation with Sansa that would surely follow.</p><p>It was there Jaime found her, eyes blazing.</p><p>He caught her arm and pulled her to a bay on the corner, urgent. She was sure he would kiss her again, <em> hoped </em>for it, but he only held her close.</p><p>“<em>Listen,” </em> he started, a pained expression on his face.“I <em> know </em> I fucked it up, <em> badly. </em> If I could take my choice back, I would. Do you believe me?”</p><p>It was impossible not to, not when he said it like that, holding nothing back from his face. She nodded, light headed, and his grip seemed to get even tighter.</p><p>“I don’t<em> deserve </em> you, but Gods, Brienne, I do want you. And I know you want me too. Come to my room tonight, and we can have this, at least.” But there was a sadness in his eyes.  “If it’s not enough for you, I’ll understand.If you don’t show up, I won’t bother you with this any longer. That’s a promise.”</p><p>“Jaime... “</p><p>But he shook his head.</p><p>“Please.<em> Think about it. </em> It’s all I ask.”</p><p>He released her, and left her there on the bay, alone with her thoughts.</p><p>Brienne went back to Sansa’s rooms slowly, confused. She wanted nothing more than to follow Jaime right this moment, to <em> kiss </em> him, as if no time had passed, and they were still their younger selves, playing at love in a dark room of Winterfell.</p><p>It wouldn’t be enough, though.</p><p>It hadn’t been enough before, and it wouldn’t be now, to have him, only to have to let him go again. The life they could have had together was nothing but a shadow in the past, and their ways ran separately now, two Lord Commanders, forever married to their positions.</p><p>The misery must have been etched on her face, because when Sansa saw her there was pity in her expression and not anger as Brienne had expected.</p><p>“Is something going on between you two?” </p><p>Brienne wanted to deny, but the words stuck on her throat. </p><p>“A kiss, that was all.” Her voice broke. “I’m sorry, my lady.”</p><p>Sansa sighed.</p><p>“He’s not a good man, Brienne. He will use you the way he likes, and in the end you’ll have nothing but an empty bed and an empty cradle. Like last time.”</p><p>A silent tear ran through Brienne’s face.  She didn’t want to think about that.</p><p>"I know."</p><p>“You should rest.” Sansa said, more gently. “I’ll ask the servants to draw you a bath, and we can talk more on the morrow."</p><p>They arrived not much later in her room, set up a tub with tepid water. It made her remember Harrenhal, and his fever drunk confessions, his lean body against her as he fainted.</p><p>It seemed there was nothing else she could think about.</p><p>Brienne scrubbed her skin clean and then laid in bed for a long time, thinking.</p><p>It wouldn’t be wise to go after him, of course. </p><p><em> If you don’t show up, I won’t bother you with this any longer, </em>Jaime had said, and Brienne wanted that, to be left alone, so she could survive the next few days and go back to Winterfell unescathed.</p><p>She only had to get through these days, she reasoned, and she would be fine. They probably wouldn’t even see each other again.</p><p>Her chest tightened.</p><p>The problem was, she wanted to see him again.</p><p>She wanted…</p><p>
  <em> If I could take my choice back, I would. Do you believe me? </em>
</p><p>She did believe him, but what was the point of replaying the past, over and over? He had made his choice, and now all they had was the present.</p><p>Brienne got up from the bed, shakily, put on the first clothes she found. Castle Black was empty as she crossed hallways and corridors, and she realized she had spent  even longer than she’d thought thinking in her bed.</p><p>The hour grew late.</p><p>The Lord Commander’s tower loomed before her.One guard waited at the entrance, but she said she had business with Jaime, and the boy not only let her pass but gave her the directions to his rom.</p><p>She knocked on his door softly. For a long while he didn’t answer, so she knocked harder, heart beating in her throat.</p><p>He opened the door.</p><p>There was a fire in the hearth, and it illuminated his face when he looked at her. His hair was a mess and his eyes were puffy, as if he had just woken up. It made him look younger than his years.</p><p>“Brienne,” Jaime breathed, astonished.“You’re here.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>He got out of the way to let her through, so she stepped inside. He closed the door behind them, and turned to her, back against the wood.</p><p>“Am I dreaming?”</p><p>Brienne felt tenderness spreading through her chest, so big it threatened to swallow her.</p><p>She moved closer and brought her hands to his face.</p><p>Jaime closed his eyes.</p><p>“No” she promised, and kissed him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the end, it didn’t take them very long, both far too eager for each other.</p><p>Brienne had him pressed against the door first, kissing him breathless. Her body was tight against his, and her sex grinded deliciously against his every time she moved.</p><p>“Bed,” she urged, and Jaime didn’t have to be told twice. He pulled her to it, taking off her shirt, and mouthed at her breasts, beard rubbing against her nipples the way he knew it made her shiver.</p><p>Brienne’s eyes were half closed with arousal, but her fingers still worked on his laces, frantically. He felt like a teenager, rock hard when she hadn’t even touched him yet, but suddenly he was free and her hand closed on his cock.</p><p>Jaime groaned. </p><p><em> Good Gods, </em>he needed her, and he tried to pull down her pants, his hips bucking against his will. Brienne had to let go of him to help him do it, but in seconds she had him in her hand again, now gloriously naked, looking at him like she couldn’t believe this was really happening.</p><p>Jaime was having problems believing it himself.</p><p>He lowered his fingers to her curls, and smiled at what he found. She was fucking <em>soaked. </em></p><p>“Come here,” she begged, and he took one look at her face and hoped there would be time to re-explore her body later, because right now none of them could wait. Jaime undressed quickly and got on top of her, as her legs opened up for him. She kissed him, open mouthed, and his cock slid wetly against her nub. She was so wet that the next time he shifted he simply slipped into her, just like that, and <em> oh fucking seven, </em>he was inside Brienne.</p><p>She gasped.</p><p>“Good?,” he asked, to be sure, but the noise she made when he moved his hip was answer enough. <em>“Fuck. </em>” </p><p>He had forgotten just how good this could feel, how intimate, her eyes locked into his, her skin against his. Her legs trapped him where she wanted him, and she tilted her hips to meet him every time.</p><p>Their lips crashed as he found a rhythm, <em> their </em> rhythm. His body <em> knew </em> her, remembered what she liked, the sounds that meant he was doing it right. They had never been too rough in bed, not in the way he had been before her. Even when it was like this, a mad rush to the finish line, flesh slapping together wetly, she preferred his lips to soothe and his hips to roll, pressing down to her clit, rubbing against her instead of just thrusting.</p><p>She keened.</p><p>“I’m not going to last,” he warned, although he wanted to fuck her for hours, making her come again and again the way he had in the past. It had been<em> years</em>, though, and this was Brienne, and he was no longer the young man he had once been.</p><p>“Me neither.”</p><p>She rested her hands on his ass and urged him on, and he let go of his restraints. In minutes he was coming, pulling out with a grunt to spill in the sheets, as Brienne held him through it.</p><p>“Sorry,” he murmured, when he finally came down from it. He had always liked to make her come first, but he would make up for her. “Let me.”</p><p>It didn’t take long for her to follow him. He had two fingers inside her cunt and his stump rubbing against her nub, and she was already close, grinding against him for more. He bent his head to lick a nipple and that was enough: she grimaced, the tell-tale sign that she was about to come, and her legs shook madly as she rode through her orgasm.</p><p>“What?” She asked, sheepish, when it was done. </p><p>“Nothing.”He loved her so much he was making a fool of himself, looking at her that way. He licked his fingers clean with a smirk. “I just wish I was young enough to fuck you again.”</p><p>The corners of her mouth curved.</p><p>“Later perhaps.”</p><p>Brienne pulled him to lie beside her; closed her eyes when he did. He hesitated in bringing her close, not sure if he would be unwelcome, but then she opened her eyes and saw him there, struggling, and took pity on him. She was heavy when she rested on his chest, but her touch was soft and delicate. That was one of the things Jaime loved most about her, her contrasts, both a knight and a lady.</p><p>“You thought I wouldn’t show?”</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>“It’s late, you know. And I thought you knew better than to give me another chance.”</p><p>She took a deep breath.</p><p>“It wasn’t easy to decide.”</p><p>“Huh.” Jaime’s stump drew circles in her back. “Was it worth it?” </p><p>He felt rather than saw her nod. </p><p>“That’s good.”</p><p>For a while none of them spoke. Somehow, laying there together, caressing each other in the light of the fire felt more intimate than everything they had done so far.</p><p>“How have you been?”</p><p>The question made him feel silly, but Jaime needed it to ask it. He needed to know how she was, how she <em> really </em>was, here, in the place all her defenses were down.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Just.” He stared at her, unsure how to express it. “How have these last years been like, for you? Have you been happy?”</p><p>She seemed to consider it.</p><p>“Yes. I like it, being in the Queensguard.”</p><p>“You’re good at it. And you looking fucking delectable in your white cloak.”</p><p>Brienne rolled her eyes.</p><p>“Of course you would say that.”</p><p>“Well, it’s true. How do you find me all in black? A proper gray haired crow?”</p><p>She tried to huff, but ended up smiling.</p><p>“There’s still gold in your hair. If you look closely.”</p><p>“<em>Very </em> closely,” he drawled, and she kissed him.</p><p>When they parted, a few minutes later, she was still smiling.</p><p>“What about Podrick? I thought I would get to see him as well.”</p><p>“He’s fine. I left him taking care of Winterfell’s defenses, but he would be here if it was his choice.”</p><p>“Has he found a girl?”</p><p>Brienne raised her eyebrows.</p><p>“The Queensguard is not allowed to do that, if you’ll recall.”</p><p>Jaime chuckled. Podrick had always been a hopeless romantic, and somehow he had forgotten the fact he had also became Queensguard.</p><p>“Oh that’s <em> right. </em> How could I <em> forget </em> that, <em> Lord Commander?” </em></p><p>Brienne tried to act offended, stifling another smile, but Jaime tickled her. They rolled between the furs, and he thought her laugh was the most beautiful sound he’d heard in years.</p><p>“I thought you would have gone back to Tarth,” he confessed, afterwards. “To rule the sapphire island after your father.”</p><p>She shook her head.</p><p>“I went there to visit him. After. But I didn’t want to stay.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>She avoided his eyes, playing with his chest hair.</p><p>“I would have to marry, to give my father an heir.” She shrugged.“It was easier to let my cousin in my place. He has a healthy son already, and my father trusts him. He’ll be a good ruler when it’s time.”</p><p>Jaime’s chest tightened. There was an image in his head, of something that would never be. Blonde children, running on a beach with sparkling blue waters. Brienne, both Lady of Tarth and his wife.</p><p>If only he hadn’t been so <em> fucking </em>stupid...</p><p>“You could have done like Sansa did,” he suggested, trying to make light of it, but his voice sounded odd to his own ears. “She never married.”</p><p>Brienne’s eyebrows shot up again.</p><p>“Hasn’t she?” </p><p>Jaime considered that, and thought it wouldn’t hurt to prod a little. Sansa was so respected in the North that everyone called Catelyn princess, although the father of her child was a well kept secret. Wars had been fought for less, but  given the choice Jaime would never use that against her. It wouldn’t be fair of him, really, considering the two illegitimate sons he had put on the throne.</p><p>“Well,Tyrion told me Catelyn is not his. And besides,the girl doesn’t have the Lannister look, with that dark hair.”</p><p>That amused Brienne.</p><p>“Can you imagine that, Queen Sansa sharing an heir with a Lannister?”</p><p>It was a good point. </p><p>Jaime shook his head and let the subject go. He didn’t want to bring politics into their moment.</p><p>Brienne seemed to be in the same mood. She shifted, bringing her hands to his head, warm and soft.</p><p>“What about you?” She asked after a while. “How have these years been for you?”</p><p>“Better than I’d imagined,” Jaime admitted. “Although I still hate the fucking cold.”</p><p>She felt her smile against his neck, as her fingers ran through his hair. </p><p>He sighed.</p><p>There was nothing better than this feeling, of being held in her arms. Jaime could not believe he had spent so long without it.</p><p>“It’s not even that cold anymore, Jaime. It’s summer.”</p><p>“In Winterfell, maybe. Beyond the wall, it’s always freezing.” He grabbed her ass, teasing her. “Besides, I haven’t had a woman to warm me up for the last six years.”</p><p>She wriggled on his grasp, responsive to his touch, but her expression changed.</p><p>“Haven’t you?”</p><p>Jaime met her eyes, not sure where she was heading with that question.</p><p>“What, did you think I had a wildling woman to keep me company? Or some whore at Mole’s Town?”</p><p>Brienne shrugged.</p><p>“I don’t know. You might have. You said you’d forgotten…” She didn’t  manage to say the name.</p><p>“And? You know I don’t do this… Casually.”</p><p>Brienne’s face didn’t show the agreement that he thought it would.</p><p>
  <em> Huh. </em>
</p><p>Maybe she didn’t know, after all.</p><p>“Brienne.There’s been no one else. Just Cersei, and then you.”</p><p>“Oh.” She looked startled. Didn’t she know what she meant for him?</p><p>Although, now that he thought about it, maybe it wasn’t so strange of her to be surprised. Almost seven years had passed, and their lives had run separate ways.Jaime had never wanted any other after her, but he knew most men did not work that way. In fact, maybe <em> she </em> didn’t work that way.</p><p>“Have<em> you </em> had someone else?”</p><p>She didn’t avoid his eyes, but there was something odd in them.</p><p>“Once,” she admitted.</p><p>“Ah.”</p><p>Jaime didn’t know what else to say.  Something awful grew inside his chest, heavy and dark. She didn’t owe him anything, of course. She was in her prime, young and strong and gorgeous, and she could have whoever she bloody liked. But.</p><p>“Was it good?” He barely recognized his tone of voice.</p><p>Her expression hardened. </p><p>“You <em> don’t get </em> to be jealous.”</p><p>“I’m not jealous!” He lied. Truth was, the idea that someone else had touched Brienne, that someone else had held her this close...“Was it someone I know?”</p><p>“I don’t see how that’s any of your business!”</p><p>“Answer me, and I’ll tell you if it is or not.”</p><p>“You<em> left me </em> , Jaime!” She said sharply, sitting up. “You don’t get to come after all these years later and act offended because I’ve laid with somebody else. And <em> no</em>, if you must know, you <em> don’t </em>know him!"</p><p>She was so mad. Her eyes blazed, defending whoever this jerk was, and he felt his own blood boiling.</p><p>“Do you have to throw that on my face<em> everytime </em> ? I <em> told you, </em> I regret it, why don’t you let it rest?”</p><p>“Regretting it doesn’t change anything! You left me anyway, and you have no right to treat me like-”</p><p>“She was <em> pregnant, </em>” Jaime snapped. He was so fucking tired of this conversation.“That was why.”</p><p>Brienne turned to him, aghast.</p><p>“<em>What?” </em></p><p>He sighed, and sat as well, trying to make her understand. “I didn’t want Cersei to die. She was carrying my child, and I had failed the other three already. <em>That's</em> why I left you.”</p><p>But Briene didn’t say anything. All the fury seemed to have left her, and now she stood very still, eyes vacant.</p><p>“Brienne?”</p><p>She shook her head.</p><p>“That’s. You… I can’t.” She didn’t seem capable of speaking. “I have to go.”</p><p>“<em>What </em> ?”Jaime was the one dismayed now. Everything had been going great, and now all of the sudden just because of this slight disagreement... “<em>No </em>. Please. I won’t say anything else about Cersei. And I won’t be jealous anymore either. I promise.”</p><p>But Brienne had gotten up already, and was collecting her clothes from the floor. She dressed quickly, despite Jaime’s complaints.</p><p>“Brienne, don’t do this,” he begged, but he shook her head again.</p><p>“I cannot,” she said simply, looking wretched.</p><p>She left before Jaime could convince her otherwise, closing the door behind her. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>1. In my head, Jaime is clearly demisexual.<br/>2. Brienne's affair was just some random knight that visited Winterfell, no big deal. I hate the ideia that she would spend her entire life waiting for Jaime after being abandoned, and I think after a few years she would want to know how it felt to be with somebody else.  About her Queensguard's vows, we know most characters who swear chastity vows in Westeros do not keep it, and I can see Sansa encouraging her to go for it, making it easier for her.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys, I'm back. I'm so sorry it's been so long, after weeks of regular posting. Real life was really tough this last month, and I didn't have the time or the inspiration to write. The bad news is I'll probably won't be able to update every week like I was doing previously, but I'll try to update at least every two weeks. Even if it takes a little longer, I want to assure you I do not intend on abandoning this fic. I have the entire thing planned out and I really wish to see it to the end.</p><p>Most importantly, I want to thank each one of you who has bookmarked, subscribed or left comments. You are the reason why I'm still writing this, and you inspire me to keep going. Hope you like the new chapter and let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dawn found Brienne already awake, after another troubled night. She got up from the bed and washed her face angrily, hoping that the cold would somehow disguise the redness in her eyes, then quickly got dressed. </p><p>Six years ago, she had promised herself she would never again spend a night crying over Jaime, but here she was, back to her old mistakes. Before Castle Black, Brienne had never considered the possibility they might lay with each other again, but oh, how she had missed it. It made her heart pick up just to think about it, the way he had kissed her and the way he had looked at her, like she was special, like she was <em> wanted. </em></p><p>He wanted her still, even after all these years, and how could she ever resist Jaime Lannister ? </p><p>Her love for him had been so huge she had nearly drowned on it, and it all came back to her now, a force of nature, clawing its way back into her chest. She loved him still, <em>so much</em>, and it tore her apart that she could never really have him. </p><p>In Winterfell, after the war, when everything seemed like a dream and Cersei was nothing but a meaningless shadow, Brienne had dared to imagine both of them on Tarth, growing old together. If it had been up to her, she knew that would have been their path, but Jaime had had other ideas, and had thrown away everything to go back to King’s Landing.  </p><p>Ever since that day in the yard, Brienne had never really questioned why he had done it. </p><p>Why would she, when the answer was so obvious? </p><p><em> We don’t get to choose who we love, </em> Jaime had told her once, and she knew she could never dream of  comparing to Cersei. Before leaving, he had even listed all the awful things he had done for his twin, leaving Brienne no room to doubt: Jaime loved Cersei, and had never loved her, and that was all it was. </p><p>But now, so many years later...</p><p><em> She was pregnant, </em> Jaime had said, in a bout of anger. <em> That was why.  </em></p><p>Brienne sighed, strapped Oathkeeper on her waist and left the room, desperate for a distraction. She could not bear her thoughts for another second.</p><p>If she was in Winterfell, she knew she would have gone to Podrick, and invited him for a long sparring session. It was a good way to vent her distress when she wasn’t on guarding duty, and after long years and much training, he had become good enough to offer her some difficulty. In Castle Black, her only options were Darrion, Bradyn e Matthos, who despite being her brothers in the Queensguard, weren’t any match for her. Still, she could use the exercise.</p><p>Matthos was guarding the Queen, and she found Darrion in the room the three were sharing, but right about to leave to take the daily shift.That left her Bradyn, the youngest of all the brothers, and probably the one which Brienne would win the easiest.</p><p>“Would you spar with me, Bradyn?”</p><p>“Of course, Lord Commander!” He looked like he had just woken up, but hopped from the bed to start getting ready. “Just a moment.”</p><p>The boy was only twenty one, and had not been Brienne’s first choice for the spot, but Podrick and Darrion had convinced her otherwise. He was inexperienced in battles, and still had pimples on his face, but was very loyal to the Queen and had shown to be a good knight, always ready to defend those who could not defend themselves.</p><p>The air was crisp as they walked to the outer yard, where the men of the Night’s Watch trained. Most of them were young men and a few were boys still, and Brienne knew they needed all the training they could get. The last real war had happened seven years ago, and most here were too young to have fought in it. </p><p>The master-of-arms was much older than the rest, probably around Jaime’s age, and seemed to think the same she did. He was commanding the exercise, setting one man against the other, barking instructions and complaints. She was surprised to see that one of the boys fighting in this round was Stefon Wyman, the heir of White Harbour, who even though had promising skills with a sword, was currently losing spectacularly to Rickard, Jaime’s steward.</p><p>“Did you come to join the fun, sers?” The master-of-arms greeted, with a crooked  smile. “I’m Travyr, Castle Black’s master-of-arms.”</p><p>“I’m Brienne of Tarth. If we could borrow your training swords, ser, we’d appreciate it. I grow restless without training.”</p><p>Travyr’s smile grew wider.</p><p>“Of course. Perhaps you two can teach these boys something.”</p><p>The training swords he offered them were older and heavier than the ones in Winterfell, but did the job well enough.She and Bradyn got into position and started with some easy exercises first, warming up to it. On their side, a few young men still trained, but she was dimly aware that most had abandoned the practise and were eyeing both of them, curious of what to come.</p><p>When the fight really began, she was pleasantly surprised to realize Bradyn had gotten better than she remembered. He was tall, and his arm had a long reach, which made him capable of holding back her attacks. If she came at him with full force, she knew he would not have the strength to parry, but she toned down her blows and kept at it, making the spar flow easily between them. </p><p>For a while they continued like that, until Bradyn grew confident and tried to land her a sideways cut, which she saw coming easily. She met his sword in a sudden turn and disarmed him, blade to his chest.</p><p>The boys around them cheered.</p><p>“Your feet betrayed you,” she explained gently. “Again.”</p><p>They went on for a long time, round after round. Bradyn was skillful, and although she disarmed him repeatedly, he never gave up. He listened to her corrections attentively and went on to the next turn, ready to try something different.Their audience only grew as they kept going, and Travyr officially stopped the exercise to comment on their spar, pointing out to the recruits each of their moves, their strengths and their weaknesses. He read the fight well, and Brienne invited him for a turn, but he declined with a smirk.</p><p>“Oh no, I shouldn’t. A wight left me with a limp in my left leg, and I wouldn’t be quick enough for you.”</p><p>She nodded, sympathetic.</p><p>Brienne wasn’t tired yet, but sweat coloured her face, and her smiles grew easier with the good feeling that came with the exertion. She loved the simplicity of a sword fight, how she could leave everything aside and just focus on that moment, a strike, then a parry, then a step, then another parry, on, and on and on. She started another round with Bradyn and chose to let her defense more open, focusing on her speed, which had never been her strong point. She slashed at him, but he counterattacked quickly, a smart move, obligating her to meet him halfway. That left a huge was an opening, though, and she swirled to strike him and then…</p><p>Her sword hit metal, <em> strong </em> metal, and suddenly the blade split in two, leaving her with the useless hilt.  </p><p>An awed sound aroused from their audience, and Brienne stood rooted to the spot, breathing quickly.</p><p>Jaime had appeared at the middle of the yard, Widow’s Wail unsheathed on his hand. </p><p>She tried keep her anger at bay.</p><p>
  <em> Of course. </em>
</p><p>No training sword was a match for Valyrian steel.</p><p>“It’s not polite to interrupt other people’s sparring,” she scowled at him. “Especially not if you mean to <em> break </em>someone’s sword.”</p><p>Jaime’s eyes were on her, and he couldn’t hide his amusement. He looked from her to Bradyn, who stood there, unsure of what to do, and then to the audience surrounding them. </p><p>“Oh come on, you have won enough times already." He gave her an unapologetic smile. “And I didn’t mean to break the sword, but we have hundreds like it. Don’t we, Travyr?”</p><p>“Yes, we do.” The master-at-arms seemed to be deeply entertained by this turn of events. “Should I get you one?”</p><p>Jaime cocked an eyebrow.</p><p> “That depends.” He raised his arm in an invitation. “Lord commander, might I have this dance?”</p><p>Brienne felt like punching him. </p><p>She had come here to forget about him, but he had to come to ruin her morning. If he wanted to spar with her so much, why hadn’t he waited for the next turn to ask her, like any normal person would? And why did he have to be like that, so damn smug and so annoyingly gorgeous?</p><p>She hesitated, fuming, and that washed away some of the arrogance from his face.</p><p>“Please,” he asked, in a lower voice.</p><p>She sighed. Every single person in that yard was looking at them.</p><p>“Fine,” she allowed tersely.</p><p>Jaime grinned. </p><p>Travyr went to get the sword, as Bradyn gave the one he had been using to Brienne. He looked embarrassed, as if he had been scolded, and Brienne knew Jaime had unwittingly humiliated him by getting into the fight. She would have to talk to the boy later, both to explain Jaime only meant to provoke her and to congratulate him for the practise. He was humble and his skills were improving, and if he continued this way, he would undoubtedly become one of the greatest in her Queensguard.  </p><p>As Jaime left Widow’s Wail aside and checked to see if the straps from his iron hand were well tied, the mood from the audience changed to breathless expectation. Brienne had sparred with him enough times in Winterfell to know that the prop could be useful as a defense, to block a slash he was too slow to parry.Gold was not a metal that could take heavy blows, but she expected iron to be better in that regard, and planned to avoid hitting it altogether.</p><p>Travyr came back with a long training blade, and Jaime’s gaze found hers. He was clearly excited at the prospect, and something about that look made her heart ache. </p><p>Sparring with him made her recall happier times, when their sword fights would sometimes end in kisses, and they would run off to their bedroom in the middle of the day, desperate for each other. She looked down, pretending she was testing the weight of her sword, as she tried to get a grip of herself. She only had to disarm Jaime once, and then she could leave and go hide somewhere else. </p><p>“Shall we?” he offered. </p><p>They began by studying each other, circling as if to see who would be bold enough for the first  move. Usually Brienne would wait for her opponent to strike, but Jaime was purposely holding back, and she just wanted to get this over with. </p><p>She stepped forward and struck him, but he parried easily, then again and again. He moved elegantly as he counterattacked, and she followed, strike and parry and then a hacking move, their swords sliding together with a clank. </p><p>He was… Better than she remembered, <em> faster, </em> and that was unexpected, but then she left an opening on purpose and when he stepped forward she understood.</p><p>It was his <em> feet </em> , and his <em> stance, </em>and the way he now held his sword like someone left-handed. Somehow, he had corrected his bad habits of fighting from his right side, and that made him much quicker than she was used to. </p><p>She paused.</p><p>This would be more difficult than she’d thought.</p><p>Jaime was grinning openly now.</p><p>“Surprised, ser?” he challenged, and she stepped forward to slash at him. </p><p>He parried, and chuckled, and she gave him all she got, her unlimited strength, and the swords kissed and sprang apart and kissed again. She was stronger than him, but he was faster, and they knew each other too well. Jaime instinctively knew her next move, and she knew his, and so they kept on going, again and again, step and parry, and strike and slide, until both were sweaty and panting.</p><p>He gave her a little respite, and she found herself grinning as well. She hadn’t had such fun sparring in years.</p><p>The crowd was cheering them on openly now, as if this was the best fight they’d ever seen, and maybe it was. Brienne knew there weren't many people who could match her skill with sword, and Jaime surely was like a legend to these boys: the youngest knight ever to become a Kingsguard, Lord Commander twice, survivor of the Long Night…</p><p>He lunged, trying to sneak up on her,  but she saw it coming and dodged his attack. As he tried to strike her again, she realized he was getting tired, breathing heavily and just the tiniest bit slower than before. She let him come, holding back her attacks, waiting for the right moment to strike the final blow.</p><p>The opportunity arose a few minutes later. She cut one of his slashes short, surprising him, and brought the sword down in a perfect arc, aiming for his unprotected belly. His blade was far away, but Jaime was quick enough to turn sideways, her sword colliding heavily with his iron hand.</p><p> The strike had been hard, and the momentum made Brienne’s step falter.She stumbled and they fell in a mess of limbs, fighting for control. Her sword was still stuck on his iron hand, and she had no idea where his was, but he was putting up a hell of a fight, kicking her and trying to reach for the sword with his other hand. <em> Oh, but he wouldn’t, </em>because Brienne was stronger, and she proved it now, hitting her head against his chest and twisting in his grasp to reach for the hilt…</p><p>She brought the blade to his neck.</p><p>“Yield!” She screamed, and Jaime smiled.</p><p>“I yield.”</p><p>The crowd went mad, men clapping and screaming all around them. She only had eyes for Jaime, though, and he was laughing now, delight etched in his face. </p><p>He was <em> delighted </em> she had defeated him in front of all his men, and that was so <em> Jaime </em>she almost kissed him right there.</p><p>“Are you still mad at me for interrupting?” He asked her warmly. She was still on top of him, their bodies glued from head to feet, and it was impossible not to remember what they had done just a few hours ago.</p><p>Brienne shook her head, biting her lip.</p><p>How could he be so charming?</p><p>The brother’s of the Night’s Watch were still making a loud mess as she got to her feet, helping Jaime up. Bradyn congratulated her before he left, while Travyr tried to get the boys to shut up and go back to their training. Jaime was unbothered by the mayhem, though.</p><p>“They hardly ever see me lose, and never quite spectacularly,” he said, amused. “ I thought that was impossible, but the years made you even better. Even Arthur Dayne would have a hard time beating you.”</p><p>Despite herself, Brienne felt her chest swell with pride. She didn’t need his approval, but hearing him say it meant something all the same.</p><p>“You’ve gotten better as well,” she allowed.““The best you ever were.” </p><p>Jaime shook his head.</p><p>“Certainly not the <em> best. </em> I was much better with my right hand. But at least I learned how to make the left one count.”</p><p>“You were better today than the day we fought on the bridge,” she countered.</p><p>Jaime frowned, feigning offense. “I was severely underfed and you kept me in <em> chains, </em>remember? That hardly counts.”</p><p>She couldn’t help smiling. There was something playful and affectionate in the mood between them now, and it was contagious.</p><p>“How did you manage? To really learn to fight with your left?”</p><p>Jaime pointed to the master-of-arms with his head.</p><p>“It was all because of Travyr. In my first two years here almost two hundred new brothers joined the Night’s Watch, and most had no clue of what to do with a sword. He asked me to help him train them, and while doing so trained me all over again, from the beginning. And like a left-handed this time.”</p><p>Brienne nodded. That was quite the achievement, reteaching your body how to fight, being humble enough to go back to the start. She was proud of him for it, but swallowed the words down and kept them for herself.</p><p><em> Nip the evil by the butt, </em> Brienne thought. <em> Leave now before he says anything more. Before he mentions last night and you get hurt. </em></p><p>She stepped forward to the pole where she’d hanged Oathkeeper, and strapped it to her waist. </p><p>“I’ll be going then. Thank you for the spar.”</p><p>Jaime’s expression fell.</p><p>“Already?”</p><p>“Yes. I have to…”</p><p>But the excuses failed her when she looked at this face.</p><p>“You don’t have to run from me, Brienne.” He said, very serious. “Can we talk about what happened? I do not want any misunderstandings between us.” </p><p>Brienne scanned the yard to check if any one was paying attention to them, flustered. His words didn’t reveal much, but showed an intimacy that embarrassed her. Jaime followed her gaze and huffed.</p><p>“Not <em> here </em> obviously,” he explained. “It won’t take long, come on. Then I’ll leave you be”</p><p>The entire thing was unlike him, and made her feel on edge. They had never talked about <em> them </em>before, not even on Winterfell, when they had all the time in the world, and the future looked bright. He had always dodged the subject, and Brienne had not wanted to scare him away with questions.</p><p><em> Because he loved Cersei, not you, </em> she had reasoned after he’d left. <em> What would he even say? </em></p><p>But now Jaime wanted to say something, wanted to resolve any misunderstandings, and wasn’t that a good thing? She was scared about it, but curious as well, so curious she was willing to give him a chance.</p><p>“Alright. But not in your room. Or mine.”</p><p>The look he gave her in response made her blush. There was pure<em> want </em>in those eyes, and she knew he was thinking about what could happen if they were alone behind closed doors.</p><p>“Agreed,” he answered roughly. “I have just the spot for it. Follow me.” </p><p>He walked inside as if he would go to the main hall, but took another path instead, which went up some stairs and past corridors she didn’t recognize. It led them to a balcony to one of the inner yards, where there was an empty bench. A tree grew from the yard, its leaves almost reaching their level, and birds chirped happily, greeting the new day.</p><p>Jaime glanced at her. “Good enough?” </p><p>The yard was empty and even if anyone showed, their voices would not be heard all the way from here. Brienne sat down, wringing her hands together. “It’s fine”.</p><p>For a while, Jaime just looked at her, unsure. Finally he sat down on the opposite side of the bench, but he still didn’t speak. It was like his courage had abandoned him.</p><p>“What did you want to talk about?” Brienne asked after what seemed like ages.</p><p>Jaime took a deep breath.</p><p>“I guess I should start by apologizing. I had no right to be jealous of you.” He grimaced. “It was my first reaction, but it shouldn’t have been.”</p><p>She locked eyes with him, surprised. Jaime was not a person that apologized easily, and she had not expected that.</p><p>“Also, I shouldn’t have said anything about Cersei. It upsets you, and that was the last thing I wanted. But I was angry, and I simply-”</p><p>“Was it true?” Brienne cut in.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Was she really pregnant?”</p><p>Jaime looked away, eyes lost in the yard beneath them.</p><p>“I don’t know. I thought so at the time, but I arrived too late and when I got  to her body, there was no belly.” He shrugged. “She told me she was, but I don’t know if she lost it or if it was just another one of her lies.”</p><p>Brienne was the one that had to look away at that, feeling her chest tighten in pain.</p><p>Would the gods be<em> that </em>cruel?</p><p>She stared at the tree in front of them, and forced herself to count her breaths.</p><p>
  <em> One. Two. Three. </em>
</p><p>“Brienne?” Jaime’s voice was tentative, but soft. “Why does this bother you so much?”</p><p>She shook her head silently, words missing. How could she tell him? It was too unbearably painful, too absurdly cruel. He had left because he had thought Cersei was pregnant, and because of it had never known that she had been pregnant instead.</p><p>Brienne felt her eyes sting, and fought the tears with all her might. She had been so scared when she’d found out, but so excited as well, shocked and humbled by the idea of motherhood. She had loved the child so much, <em> their child </em>, had dreamed about a life in which they was the center.</p><p>She had lost them, though. The sheets had awoken red with her blood, and she had screamed, asking the Gods, begging, <em> please, please, not this, anything but this, </em>but the Gods had ignored her, and the child had slipped away from her anyway. </p><p>She felt Jaime’s hand on her arm, caressing her gently, and realized belatedly that she was crying.</p><p>“I won’t mention it anymore.” Jaime was saying, worried. “Don’t cry…”</p><p>But Brienne shook her head again. “Not your fault,” she managed to tell him after a while, when she had calmed herself just enough. Jaime was still caressing her, sitting close, and she felt better, as if the tears had taken some of the pain away. “Why didn’t you tell me she was pregnant?” </p><p>Jaime sighed. </p><p>“Back then, we never talked about her. How would I even approach the subject?” He ran his hand through his hair, somewhat frustrated. “To tell you the truth, most of the time I avoided thinking about it. You made me happy, and I didn’t want to ruin that. It was rather selfish of me.”</p><p>“You could have told me in the yard at least,” she pointed out. “You told me… You said…”</p><p>“That I was a hateful man.” Jame sighed again. “And I <em> was. </em> I wasn’t lying to you, Brienne.” His hand closed over hers, warm. “I felt trapped by Cersei and the guilt I felt for three children I lost, and I hated myself for it. I felt rotten, and I did not want you to think I was a good man. I never was.”</p><p>“You <em> are </em>.”</p><p>The corners of his mouth curved. “Even now, you defend me from myself, but that’s because of <em> your </em> goodness.” He chuckled. “I could never have deserved you.”</p><p>“I never needed you to<em> deserve </em>me, Jaime.” Brienne said sharply. “I just needed you to stay.”</p><p>Jaime smiled sadly.</p><p>“I know." He breathed out. “But I messed that up as well, didn’t I?”</p><p>Brienne didn’t have a good enough response to that. </p><p>She let herself fall silent, as his fingers  drew patterns over the back of her hand. </p><p>“I don’t know if I can’t do this,” she said, after a long while.</p><p>“Do what?”</p><p><em> “This.” </em> She turned her hand to grip his, and that made him smile.</p><p>“Holding hands?”</p><p>Brienne huffed.</p><p>“Don’t play dumb, it doesn’t become you.”</p><p>His smile widened, and he intertwined his fingers with hers.</p><p>“It feels good, doesn’t it?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“So why shouldn’t we?”</p><p>There were so many reasons Brienne didn’t know where to begin. </p><p><em> Because we are both sworn to celibacy </em> seemed like a good place to start, or <em> because Lady Sansa won’t trust me anymore. </em></p><p>Most importantly, <em> because I don’t think I will bear losing you again, </em> and <em> because I love you, and I will  only get myself hurt.  </em></p><p>She looked at their joined hands though, and at his handsome smile, and knew she was lost.</p><p>“You left too early last night,” Jaime said in a low voice.“Give me another chance, and I promise I’ll behave. I won’t even open my mouth.” He smirked. “Well….Not to speak anyway.”</p><p>Despite herself, Brienne felt her pulse sped up.</p><p>“I’ll think about it,” she answered, looking away, but Jaime only grinned in response, knowing she was already won.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Disclaimer: to write Jaime and Brienne's sword fight, I stole some bits from GRMM in "A Storm of Swords". I just love the way he writes that, and I decided it to pay homage to it here.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Managed to post a little earlier than expected! Hope you like this one... Please let me know what you think, it keeps me moving forward! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everywhere Jaime went that morning, there was only one subject of discussion, and that subject was his sword fight with Brienne. </p><p>“She was <em> stronger </em> than the Lord Commander, believe it or not, and she <em> struck </em>him, and then somehow they were rolling on the floor, and…” Rickard froze, finally noticing Jaime behind them. “Lord Commander, ser. ”</p><p>The group of boys turned, scared of having been caught talking about him, but Jaime only cocked an eyebrow.</p><p>“Don’t you lads have any tasks to attend? Something more important to do than engaging in gossip?”</p><p>They all started talking at once, giving him excuses, but Jaime just shooed them away, not managing to hold back a smile. Truth to be told, he was enjoying the fact that the topic of the day was their fight, and most importantly, how good Brienne had been.</p><p>Jaime had always hated losing, to <em> anyone </em> , but after such a bout, in which both had been evenly matched, losing to her felt only right. She was <em> magnificent </em>, the Warrior made flesh, and he wanted each one of his men to know it, and admire her skills like she deserved.</p><p>“Would you fetch Corren for me? I’ll meet him back at my quarters.”</p><p>Rickard fled, always quick to any task Jaime would set him to, as he returned in a slower pace to the Lord Commander’s tower.</p><p>The morning passed quickly, as he discussed practical matters with Corren Hawick, First Builder of the Night’s Watch. It had come to his attention that some of the old and abandoned rooms Sansa’s soldiers were using were more comfortable than the ones being used by the brothers, and he was considering the possibility of furnishing that aisle for the next recruits the Watch received.They debated that and other issues that Corren brought him, then walked together to the main hall to lunch.</p><p>Brienne wasn’t there, but that meant neither was Sansa, so Jaime had an uneventful meal with his men. The conversation still went back to their spar every now and then, and more than once one of the younger ones asked him to challenge Brienne for a rematch, but this time with the Valyrian swords. Jaime knew most believed that their swords would flame up blue if drawn together, but didn’t bother trying to convince them otherwise.</p><p>“Do you wish to get rid of your Lord Commander that badly, Felton?” he quipped. His officers laughed, as the lad denied it, embarrassed.</p><p>He was leaving the hall after lunch when another boy approached him. This was no common boy, though, but Stefon Wyman, heir to White Harbour, which the Queen in the North was fostering in Winterfell. </p><p>“Lord Commander” he said, in a tiny, wavery voice. “Congratulations for this morning. It was one of the best sword fights I’ve ever seen.” He paused, blushing, as if unsure of what else to say.</p><p>“Thank you, Lord Stefon. If I recall correctly, you favor the sword as well, don’t you?”</p><p>The boy became even redder.</p><p>“Yes, ser. That was why I was hoping to speak to you.”</p><p>Jaime waited for him to continue, entertained by his obvious shyness, curious of what was so important for him to even try to overcome it.</p><p>“They say I’m good with a sword, ser,” he said at last. “But I… It’s not that I’m <em> bad, </em>but I could be better. Your stewart defeated me today, and I’ll turn fourteen soon. You were a knight when you were fifteen, ser, and I wanted to… I simply...” He trailed off.  </p><p>Jaime smiled, imagining the sour expression on Wyman Manderly’s fat face if he knew his heir had come to Jaime Lannister for advice.</p><p>“Losing to Rickard is no shame,” he said, truthly. The boy had been fighting for food and survival ever since he had been no more than a babe, and Jaime had never understood why the old lord commander had not made him into a ranger. “He’s almost a man grown and has been a brother of the Watch for two years now.”</p><p>Stefon looked at him like that wasn’t a good enough of an excuse, and maybe it wasn’t. He was the son of a rich lord after all, and probably had had the best trainers and equipment ever since he was a little boy himself.</p><p>“By your age, I was a squire. That might help with your training.”</p><p>Stefon’s face closed in an unhappy frown.</p><p>“My father doesn’t want me to be one. He says squiring for any knight, no matter how grand, will never compare on being fostered by the Queen in the North.” He huffed, then blushed again, catching up to his own words. “Not that I don’t agree with him!” He added quickly, “I’m honoured that the Queen has chosen to foster me, but-”</p><p>“Your father wants to prepare you to be a lord, but all you want is to be a knight.”</p><p>The lad looked at him with wide eyes, as if Jaime had read his mind. </p><p>Jaime chuckled.</p><p>“You’re hardly the first to want such a thing. ” He grimaced. “I’m afraid I’m not the best person to give you any <em> family </em>advice, though.” </p><p>Stefon recoiled immediately.</p><p>“Of course, Lord Commander. I’m sorry for bothering you, I should not...”</p><p>Jaime sighed, schooling his features. </p><p>“You’re not bothering me,” he said,  and it was no lie. “All I can say is that in a few years time you’ll be a man grown and then, regardless of your father’s expectations, the path you carve will be your own.” The boy nodded. “In the meantime, you can improve yourself in Winterfell. I’m sure Ser Brienne she would be happy to help you train.”</p><p>“She does help, ser,” he admitted. “And Ser Podrick.”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>“And would you…If it wasn’t that much of a bother, ser, I mean…”</p><p>“We can cross swords, yes.” Stefon beamed. “Not today, though, as your Lord Commander has tired me enough already. Tomorrow perhaps.”</p><p>“Of course!” He bent his head in a formal curtsy, but ruined the effect of it with the huge smile he had on his face. “I’ll see you tomorrow then, Lord Commander.”</p><p>“Until then.”</p><p>Jaime turned to leave with a small smile, but it washed away in a second as he saw who had been watching them. Sansa stood all the way down the corridor, glaring at him. Brienne was nowhere in sight, but there was another Queensguard with her, the older one, which Jaime usually saw trailing after princess Catelyn and Berena Hornwood’s girl.</p><p> “Good afternoon, your grace,” he called. "Can I help you with something?”</p><p>The Queen crossed the distance that separated them with an icy smile.</p><p>“No, my lord.  I'm merely wondering why you’ve been trying to win over my bannermen to your side.”</p><p>“Win over…?!” The words galled him, and he felt like telling her a thing or two about why her bannermen were coming to <em> him </em>for advice. He kept them to himself, though, and pretended he hadn’t understood. “I thought we were on the same side, your grace.”</p><p>Her expression turned violent, and Jaime had to fight the urge to rest his hand on Widow’s Wail pommel. Sansa only looked behind her, though, then spoke in a quieter voice:</p><p>“Is there some place where we can talk undisturbed?”</p><p>There was a storage of furs a few feet down the corridor, and Jaime opened the door for her to get inside. She entered and he expected her protector to follow, but she surprised him.</p><p>“Guard the door, Darrion. And do not enter unless I call you.”</p><p>“My Queen, it is not safe-”</p><p>“I do not remember asking for your opinion, ser,” Sansa interrupted. The old knight clearly did not like that, but had no other choice but to comply. He gave Jaime a menacing look, and it was a great delight shutting the door in his ugly face. </p><p>“Is that the part where you murder me and pretend I befell some accident, my lady?”</p><p>The corners of Sansa’s mouth curved.</p><p>“If only. I hear you got quite adept with a sword.”</p><p>Jaime flashed her his most deadly smile. So she had heard of their spar.</p><p>“Indeed.”</p><p>They studied each other, not much unlike the way he and Brienne had studied each other this morning, waiting for the first strike. This was a different sort of fight, but not less dangerous for it.</p><p>“Two days ago you told me you would prefer not to play this game. Well, ser, I will agree with you on this, if not in anything else. Soon I will return to Winterfell, and I get tired of your subterfuges.”</p><p>“<em>My </em>subterfuges?”</p><p>Sansa seemed to lose her calm at last. </p><p>“What is it that you want, Lannister? Revenge?”</p><p>He gave a humorless chuckle.  “And why would I want that?”</p><p>She looked at him as he was particularly dim-witted.</p><p>“Surely there are reasons. My family has taken over Westeros; and yours is no more. Yet you linger here, in this place forsaken by the Gods, exiled by the King.”</p><p>Jaime actually did laugh, then, amused. She understood so little.</p><p>“As you said, my lady, my family is no more. There’s nothing to get revenge <em> for. </em>And even if there was... My days as golden boy are over, as you can see by my hand.” She hesitated, what only amused him further. “If you’re so worried about Lannisters, you should watch out for my brother. He’s the one who’s always concerned himself with power.”</p><p>Sansa stared at him, a challenge in her eyes. </p><p>“And you haven’t? You killed a King and was Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. You also put two of your own sons on the Iron Throne, all the while backing your mad sister into power.” She scoffed. “Your acts speak for yourself.”</p><p>“None of these acts were because<em> I </em>wanted power."</p><p>“No? And what about the fact that you were sent to the Wall to be forgotten, an old man and a cripple, and somehow you climbed into command again?  Isn’t that rather <em>curious?”</em></p><p>“I climbed into command because the men<em> chose </em> me," he argued, annoyed by her insinuation.  “I <em> did not scheme </em> to be Lord Commander, nor do I want anything out of it. I accepted the position because the Watch is everything I have left, not because I have some secret intention to bring you down. The world <em> does no</em><em>t</em> revolve around you, regardless of what you think!”</p><p>Sansa seemed to pale at his outburst, her mouth a thin line. For a moment Jaime thought she would open the door and leave, but she stayed, still staring at him. She reminded him of her mother when he looked at him like that, like his mere sight was enough to cause her revulsion.</p><p>“If the Watch is everything you have left, you’ve been absent from your duty,” she accused coldly. “I’ve talked to your men, and I heard that unlike your last Lord Commander, you do not intend to properly rebuild Eastwatch.”</p><p>Jaime sighed. The girl really wanted a fight, didn’t she?</p><p>“I’ve told Lord Commander Edwyn many times, and I’ll tell you as well: rebuilding Eastwatch should not be our goal right now.”</p><p>She rolled her eyes at him, as if she understood the matters of the Night’s Watch much better than he did.</p><p>“Eastwatch has historically been the main post against wildling invasion, has it not?”</p><p>“Yes,” Jaime admitted. “That’s where the families used to cross. But they do not wish to invade our lands anymore, as I said to you yesterday. Why would they? They are kings and queens of their own lands, and the north of the Wall thrives.”</p><p>“For now. But winter will come, and then what will you do?”</p><p>Jaime huffed.</p><p>“<em>Then </em>I’ll think about rebuilding Eastwatch.”</p><p>Sansa’s expression became murderous. “And while you’re <em> thinking </em> they will be crossing to invade <em> my </em>lands.”</p><p>That was an old argument, which Jaime had had with the last Lord Commander at least ten times. The Queen had been pressuring him through letters to rebuild the castle even then, and the old man had been too weak to deny her directly. Jaime had talked against it at every single opportunity, though, and old Edwyn had never been so stupid as to not understand the respect Jaime raised between the men, as a brother and a commander. The gap on the Wall had been rebuilt and some rooms for the thirty seasoned men that now garrisoned the castle, but that had been all. </p><p>“I know you think you are being smart, but you aren’t. You say you’ve spoken to my men, but have you <em> seen </em> them? They are boys, the lot of them, and my main focus is in them, right here, in Castle Black. If the wildlings <em> do </em>invade someday, we must have warriors to meet them, and not castles.”</p><p>Sansa opened her mouth to disagree, but Jaime cut in, wanting to make his point.</p><p>“When I arrived here, the Watch had been reduced to nothing. After the Long Night, there weren't even forty men left; but we rebuilt ourselves from scratch. We are two hundred and eighty now, and our numbers are still rising. These things take time, though.”</p><p>“And exactly how many of those two hundred and eighty did I send to you?” Sansa questioned pointedly. “How many of them came from the North?”</p><p> Jaime cocked his head.</p><p>“Most,” he admitted. Truth was, the Night’s Watch would have been lost without Sansa, but that did not give her the right to meddle. Or to question his authority. “I know you’ve been an important part of this process, your grace,” he tried, hoping to placate her, “which is exactly why I would appreciate it if you would <em> stop fighting </em>me. We do not have to be enemies.”</p><p>She smiled at that, an all-knowing smile that reminded him of her father.</p><p>“I doubt that, ser. I know of your intentions. Even if you’re not trying to bring me down, you still disgust me.” She sneered. “I see what you’re doing; going after Brienne, trying to use her again for your own-”</p><p>“Keep Brienne out of this.” Jaime warned. He had not raised his voice, but it shook slightly with anger. “You don’t know. That’s not…” He spluttered like a fool, on the brink of telling her a thousand different things, but not sure of how much she knew.</p><p>Sansa only scowled at him.</p><p>“She<em> told </em>me you kissed her. And I know how men like you work, Lannister. You think you can have her again, anytime you want, and then discard her afterwards, like you did last time.”</p><p>“I’m not...<em> I</em> <em>care for Brienne</em>!” And now he was shouting, despite himself. Her words rankled, even if they were untrue, because he wasn’t using Brienne to discard her again, he wasn’t.</p><p>“You<em> care </em> ?!” And Sansa had also raised her voice now, furious with him as he was with her. “If you <em> did </em> care, you wouldn’t be doing this. <em> Playing </em> with her feelings, knowing there’s no future for you. Knowing how much this means to her. Knowing...” She trailed off, eyes blazing. “She almost <em> died </em> when you left, did you know that? Where were you then? Oh, <em> right, </em>you had gone back to your vile sister and it was for me and Podrick to pick up the pieces.”</p><p>Jaime had no counterargument for that.</p><p>He stood there, shocked into silence by Sansa’s words, too angry at her and at himself. He had never known it had been so difficult for Brienne; had never really considered the aftermath of his leaving. Of course, he had known she’d cared about him, had loved him even, although they had never said that to each other. But the Brienne in his head had been far too strong to be broken by something as awful as him; the Brienne in his head had gotten over him quickly and went back to being her marvelous, unflappable self.</p><p>“I never wanted to hurt her,” he said to Sansa, of all people, but as he said it, he remembered all the times he had done exactly that, only during these last few days. He remembered her tears the night he’d kissed her at the Wall and her tears again this morning; remembered how she’d  been upset yesterday when he’d talked about Cersei and how she’d tell him she wasn’t sure she could keep doing whatever it was they were doing.</p><p>He felt raw and rotten and slightly nauseated.</p><p><em> There’s no future for you</em>, Sansa had said, and it was the plain truth, cruel and cutting. Jaime had thrown away any future they might have had years ago, and now all they could do was steal some quick moments together. He had <em> known </em>that, and had wanted to spend every single second possible with her, but hadn't really considered that it might be for the worse.</p><p>Sansa was still staring at him, but her expression had softened slightly, and there was something in her eyes Jaime could not read.</p><p>“If you do care, <em> do not </em>hurt her again,” she said, in a tone that allowed no argument. “In two days I intend to leave for Winterfell, and I do not wish to see her broken hearted when I do. She is my oldest friend, and she does not deserve that.”</p><p>The Queen didn’t wait for an answer.</p><p>She turned and left the room, leaving Jaime alone with the turmoil of his thoughts.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please notice that I've changed the rating. Just to be sure ;)<br/>Hope you'll enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaime was upset.</p><p>Brienne could see it, clear as day, a familiar strain in his jaw, his hand tight on his cup.</p><p>From her place further down the table, she ate, trying to meet his eyes. He seemed to be avoiding her gaze though, resolutely not looking in her direction, his face closed in a frown.</p><p>
  <em> Have I tired him already? </em>
</p><p>He had certainly seemed eager to meet her eyes the last time he’d seen him, his gaze open and wanting. He had linked their hands together, so very intimate, and had tried to convince her to join him in his bed tonight. But now...</p><p>Perhaps it had annoyed him that his men had spent the day talking about his defeat by her hand. Or perhaps he had realized it had been a mistake laying with her last night, and was trying to think of a way of letting her down gently. </p><p>Brienne felt a knot in her throat.</p><p>She had spent the entire afternoon trying to convince herself she would not go after Jaime tonight, but the idea he might have changed his mind terrified her. She was in it far too deep, and had never really stood a chance of resisting his invitation. But if he didn’t want her anymore, didn’t want to even <em> look </em>at her, then maybe…</p><p>Jaime finished his dinner and got up from his seat, eyes straying to her. He looked <em> pained, </em> absurdly so, as if the sight of her was more than he could bear. He held her gaze though, a mute question, and she nodded. </p><p>Of course she would go to him. Even if he would probably only send her to her room again, alone and hurting.</p><p>Brienne kept eating, trying to pretend she was listening to what Matthos and the other soldiers were talking about. Yet her thoughts were far away, in his smile, and in his touch, and in his troubled gaze.</p><p>After dinner, she hid in her room, willing the time to pass faster. She waited for the castle to quiet, so she would not draw too much attention, then left, her steps loud on the stone floor.</p><p>She knocked on his door softly, and his voice came in an instant.</p><p>“Enter.”</p><p>Jaime was sitting at his desk, nursing a glass of wine. He had not changed from his uniform; had not even removed his boots. His hair was a mess, as if he had run his hand through it a thousand times before she arrived, and he had an awful look in his face. </p><p>He looked <em> wrecked. </em></p><p>“Will you send me away?” she asked, already knowing what his answer would be. She knew him too well, could read him like an open book.</p><p>“Brienne…”</p><p>She did not want to hear his explanation; to hear his guilt.She had thought he wanted her, had thought he <em> cared, </em>but perhaps she had misunderstood everything once again.</p><p>She turned to leave, but he was quicker. He caught her by the waist, rested his head against her shoulder.</p><p>“Wait. It’s not because I don’t <em> want to.” </em></p><p>He was so warm against her. She felt his breaths on her nape, his arms around her waist. He <em> did </em> want her, she <em> knew </em> he did, but then why…</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>He hid his face in her neck, breathed her in. It was enough to send a shiver through her, every hair in her body standing up to attention.</p><p>“The Queen. She told me I’m not to hurt you again.”</p><p>Brienne felt cold all over. What had Sansa told him? Did he know about the babe? </p><p>“What else did she say?”</p><p>Jaime pulled back from her, turned her so they were eye to eye. </p><p>“She told me that I’m playing with your feelings. And that I should stop, because we have no future. I’m only hurting you again, Brienne, and I-”</p><p>She put a hand in his mouth, forcing him to shut up. There was truth to it, of course there was, but she didn’t want to listen to it.</p><p>“That did not stop you yesterday. Or the day before. Or this morning, when you implied that I should come here and…”</p><p>“I wasn’t <em> thinking. </em> ” His eyes blazed. “I. She told me you almost <em> died </em>when I left you. I never thought… I knew you wanted me to stay, but I... ” Jaime searched for something in her face; raised an eyebrow. It was almost as if he wanted her to deny it, but she had no strength to. </p><p>She closed her eyes.</p><p>“It is all true,” she confessed. “You broke my heart, Jaime.”</p><p>His fingers cradled her face and when she opened her eyes there was a storm of emotion in his.</p><p>“Was that why you said you didn’t know if you could do this?” he asked. “<em> Us. </em>Was that what you meant?”</p><p>She nodded slowly, and he pulled his hand away. She felt lost without his touch, wanted to feel it again, kiss him. But he shook his head.</p><p>“You were right all along, as you usually are.” He took a step back. “We shouldn’t. In two days you’ll depart and I do not wish-”</p><p>“What?” She felt her heart speed up, panicking.</p><p>
  <em> Only two days? </em>
</p><p>He stared at her. </p><p>“Hasn’t she told you?”</p><p> No, Sansa had not told her. She was Lord Commander of the Queensguard, but she had been left in the dark. And now Jaime would not have her again, because he did not wish to break her, and who could blame him. She was a weak, stupid,<em> pathetic </em> excuse of a woman, who had never understood her own place.</p><p>He must have seen the despair in her face, because he stepped forward again. He was going to say something to comfort her, she could see it in his eyes, but she didn’t want to hear it.</p><p>“Please don’t,” she said pointedly. “Whatever it is you are going to say I… You don’t have to let me down gently. I understand.”</p><p>“<em>What?” </em> Jaime looked appalled. <em> “Let you down gently </em>? Is this what you think this is?”</p><p>She shrugged, eyes stinging. It  was hard to look at him.</p><p>“You think this is easy for me? You <em> think…” </em> He reached for her face once more, hand and stump, made her look at him. “You have to understand, Brienne. If things were different… If I hadn’t been so stupid… I would ask you to <em> marry me</em>. And I would <em> beg you </em> to say yes, because I <em> love you, </em> you silly, stubborn, <em> wonderful </em>-”</p><p>She kissed him, <em> hard, </em> fisted her hands on his uniform. He melted against her, moaned against her mouth, and Gods, it was like she had caught on fire.</p><p>Jaime loved her, he<em> loved </em> her. He would have asked her to <em> marry </em>if he could, and it was just, it was simply…</p><p>
  <em> I remember you, though. How it felt to love you.  </em>
</p><p>When he had told her that, that night at the Wall, Brienne had thought he had meant it as an euphemism for sex. She had spent so many years sure he would never love any other woman but Cersei, that it was jarring to think he could love her.</p><p>She pulled back to breathe, dizzy, rested her forehead against his. He was looking at her, and all of the sudden the corners of his mouth were curving, the first happy expression he had shown her all evening.</p><p>“You really had no idea?</p><p>She shook her head, and that made him properly smile.</p><p>“You have no fucking clue, Brienne. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, and then you’d understand.”</p><p>She shrugged. She did not understand, yet she believed him. He would not lie to her about  this.</p><p>“I would have said yes. I would have married you.”</p><p>He nodded, gaze pained once more. It made her want to kiss him again, to replace the pain with pleasure, but when she tried to pull him closer he resisted.</p><p>“I don’t want to hurt you,” he breathed. “It will only make it worse.”</p><p>“I’ll be hurt anyway,” Brienne argued. She had thought to avoid him to protect her feelings, but in truth she knew it was far too late for that. ”If this is all we can have, then… I’d rather be with you and suffer than to suffer without you.”</p><p>He hesitated, uncertain, wanting her, but scared for her all the same. She loved him for that, so fucking much, and realized with a start she had not told him yet.</p><p>“I love you, Jaime,” she  said quickly, voice trembling just a little. “I’ve never stopped. Ever since Harrenhal, or perhaps even earlier. If you love me too<em>, please </em>, let’s just...”</p><p>He kissed her. </p><p>It felt <em> right, </em>like it always did, his mouth hungry over hers, his hair between her fingers.</p><p> “Fuck it,” he groaned between kisses, reaching for her shirt. “I cannot deny you on this.”</p><p>She pulled him to the bed, fumbling in the haste to get him off his uniform.</p><p>
  <em> Jaime. </em>
</p><p>He was so gorgeous like this, so vulnerable. She could see a thousand different emotions on his face as they undressed each other, her heart loud in her ears. He <em> loved </em> her, and it felt thrilling and shocking and utterly familiar, all at once. </p><p>He gently pushed her to lay down, then mouthed at every inch of her body: her neck, her collarbone, her breasts; then her belly, her thighs, her cunt. </p><p>“Seven hells, I’ve missed your taste,” he murmured between her legs, before lapping at her again, over and over, making her want to scream.</p><p>They had been too desperate yesterday, in a rush to get more of each other, but Jaime took his time now, building her pleasure. He slipped a finger inside her and curved it, as his tongue toyed with her folds. Brienne held onto his hair and moaned as he closed his lips over her nub and <em> sucked. </em>Soon enough it was driving her over the edge, in a bright wave of pleasure, trembling legs and Jaime.</p><p>He laid against her left thigh afterwards, looking smug, his beard wet with her. Brienne smiled and tried to pull him up, but he only smirked.</p><p>“Oh, I’m not done with you yet.”</p><p>Years ago, in Winterfell, they had discovered she could reach a second orgasm on his mouth, if he was careful and soft, more of a tease to her sensitive nub than proper stimulation. He did that now, so so gently, licking her, bringing his hand to pinch at her nipple, his stump holding her to the bed. He coaxed the second peak out of her slowly, and that time she did scream, a sharp sound that she muffled on his pillow.</p><p>“Gods.”</p><p>Jaime chuckled and came up to kiss her, brushing the hair out of her face.</p><p>“I still got it,” he said, more smug than ever, and she wanted to climb over him and kiss him quiet, but still felt somewhat numb, laying dazed and pliant over the sheets.</p><p>She reached for him instead, his cock hard in her hand.</p><p>He closed his eyes.</p><p>“Are you up for it?” he asked fondly. “If you’re too lazy right now, I can wait.”</p><p>“I’m up for it.” She struggled to turn in bed, getting to her knees. “Do you want to? Like this.”</p><p>“<em>Yes.”  </em></p><p>He followed her moves, positioned himself behind her. She felt the tip of his cock nudging her cunt, his hand on her waist. He moved forward and slipped inside her with a groan, filling her, <em> stretching </em>. </p><p>Brienne gasped.</p><p>Jaime started to move then, pressing into her, in and out, testing his angle. She rearranged her limbs so she would be in the perfect position, the perfect inclination, so that every time he moved he would…</p><p>“<em>Ah</em>! Right <em> there. </em>” </p><p>She couldn’t see him, but she knew he was smirking as he gripped her waist and sped up. He was fucking her into the mattress now, their thighs slapping together with every move, both panting.</p><p>“I’d forgotten how much I enjoy this view,” Jaime said roughly, moving his hand from her waist to her ass. “How is it that you have even more muscle than you used to, I swear by the Seven, you look so..<em> ” </em>She clenched over him, and he completely lost the train of thought.</p><p>She did not expect to have a third orgasm, but it crept over her all the same. Jaime was toying with her clit, rubbing her as he thrusted, and all of a sudden she was almost there again. </p><p>“Jaime,<em> yes,</em> please, I…” and then she was coming, clenching all over his cock, her legs almost failing her.</p><p>“<em>Fuck.” </em>He pulled out quickly, but not quick enough not to spill some come over her ass, then at the sheets.</p><p>He chuckled as they both came down from it, not one tad embarrassed.</p><p>“I made a fucking mess.  Sorry. You surprised me.”</p><p>Brienne did not care in the sighest. </p><p>“I surprised myself.”</p><p>She draped an arm over him and closed her eyes, bone-deep satisfied.</p><p>She had laid with another man four years ago, a knight from the Vale that was visiting Winterfell, wishing to know how it would feel like. It had not been unpleasant, and he had tried to make it good for her, but in the end it had been just awkward and frustrating. No one but Jaime knew how to make her feel like this, no one but him had ever set her aflame.</p><p>At some point he got up and returned with a wet cloth, cleaning her like she was the most precious thing in the world. He tugged at the sheets afterwards, so they wouldn’t lie on the wet spot, and pulled her close.</p><p>They held each other.</p><p>Brienne didn’t know what to say. He ran her fingers over his stump, caressing him, hid her face on his chest. She loved him, so much, and he loved her back. They matched, and they would have married, but it could never be, because he had left her, and now they would forever be apart.</p><p>Jaime seemed to be having similar thoughts, a wounded expression back in his eyes. She kissed his eyelids, trying to make him unwind, ran her fingers through his hair, his beard. He breathed in and out and, surprisingly, still didn’t say a thing. </p><p>Brienne let him be.</p><p>He was dozing off against her shoulder when it started to snow, big flakes against the glass. She smiled, and got up to put more wood on the fire. Thalia would be happy tomorrow.</p><p>“Brienne,” he called from the bed, suddenly alert. “Are you leaving?”</p><p>She froze where she was; slowly picked up her shirt from the floor.</p><p>“I was just tending the fire,” she said. “But I probably should go.”</p><p>He turned to look at her.</p><p>“Stay.”</p><p>She paused.</p><p>“If I sleep here, the chance of your men finding out is-”</p><p>“Let them. The gods know I’ve turned a blind eye on them going to Mole’s Town or bedding each other enough times. Why should they care?”</p><p>“And what if Sansa finds out? Or my brothers in the Queensguard?”</p><p>Jaime’s expression turned sour.</p><p>“Fine.” He turned his back to her.</p><p>Brienne stood there, not sure of what to do. She sat by his side on the bed, pulled him to look at her.</p><p>“Don’t do that. You know I wish I could stay.”</p><p>“Then why don’t you?” He complained. “We have<em> this </em> night, and just <em> one more </em>, and that’s it! You said you preferred to be with me and suffer than to suffer alone, then be with me!” He huffed, frustrated.</p><p>Brienne sighed.</p><p>She had never seen Jaime behave like that, demanding her presence,<em> begging</em> for it. It was as much absurd as it was endearing, and it stole the breath from her lungs. </p><p>
  <em>Only two more nights and then...</em>
</p><p>When would they see each other again?</p><p>“Please,” Jaime tried once more.“I know I have no right to ask you, but...”</p><p>Brienne bent to kiss him.</p><p>“Alright,” she said, joining him beneath the furs. “I’ll stay.” </p><p>She didn’t care what Sansa or the others would think. She would not waste a single minute.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>English in not my first language, I'm sorry for any mistakes.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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